Teams
There comes a time in the life of every naïve twelve-year-old girl – or, perhaps, every desperately lonely middle-aged housewife – when they must make a decision that will shape their lives for all eternity. One that will affect their friends, their families, their Facebooks, and their LiveJournal avatars.
This decision, of course, is when you come up to the plate, will you be batting for Team Edward or Team Jacob?
It’s a difficult question, and considering how much rides upon it, I thought I would put together a helpful checklist to aid you:
If:
you’re into necrophilia
you enjoy the thought of people you don’t know climbing through your window and watching you sleep
you like it when a man tells you what to do
(especially when he refuses to let you visit your friends)
(especially when he breaks your car to keep you from visiting them)
you don’t mind that he fantasizes about drinking your blood
you find stalking flattering
(especially when he reads your friends’ minds to do it)
you enjoy the thought of being penetrated by an icy-cold, rock-hard penis
(that’s permanently flaccid since he doesn’t have blood)
you love that he’ll commit suicide if he thinks you’re dead
you’re attracted to men 90 years older than you
(who are still virgins)
(who compose songs for you before they even know you)
And, of course:
you love the idea that he may someday perform an emergency C-section on you by ripping through your uterine wall with his TEETH…
Then congratulations!
You’re a member of Team Edward!
But!
If:
you’re into beastiality
you’re an exhibitionist
(because since he has a hive mind with his pack, shortly after you were ever intimate with him, six other people would know every explicit, sweaty detail)
you like it when men grab you and forcibly kiss you
(when they know that you like someone else)
(and are dating that someone else)
(and then brag about forcibly kissing you to your father)
you like your men to be sweet, thoughtful, and caring
and sexually attracted to toddlers
and really good at fixing motorcycles
wait, did I mention that you like your men to be sexually attracted to toddlers? Okay.
you like your men dark
you like your men shirtless
you’re okay that he’s sexually attracted to toddlers
you don’t have a problem with pedophiles
Because despite whatever hand waving Meyer might do:
YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THE FACT THAT HE’S SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO A TODDLER
Then congratulations!
You’re a member of Team Jacob!
All rights reserved. Please use responsibly. Does not include muscular Native American chests, smoldering gazes, Adonis features, lack of emotion, general vapidity, or vaguely Mormon moral codes regarding premarital sex. Side effects may include abusive relationships, battered woman syndrome, and the loss of your soul.
Tagged as Rorschach, Twilight.Comment
By Talisman
on Dec 6, 09:53 PM
But are you okay with him being sexually attracted to toddlers?
Very funny. Good job on pointing out the, er, “benefits” of Edward vs. Jacob.
By Luin Kaimelar
on Dec 6, 10:38 PM
You, sir/ma’m, are my new hero
By Snow White Queen
on Dec 6, 10:45 PM
Har har, this was great.
By Wizard of Toast
on Dec 6, 11:19 PM
Whoever you are, I love you
By Danielle
on Dec 6, 11:47 PM
Ooh, that’s a tough one. After seeing all the benefits of Team Edward lined up next to the benefits of Team Jacob, I would have to go with a team that is rarely mentioned among Twilight fans. Nobody likes this choice much, since he very nearly took Bella from both Edward and Jacob. He was quite pushy, nearly knocking Bella off her feet before Edward had to come in and ruin the moment. This choice spends most of the saga in the background, secretly hating Edward for ruining his chance and hating the fact that he can’t kill Edward even more. Not that he wouldn’t get away with it, but as Edward is a vampire and cannot die, the kiling part would run into some roadblocks there. Still, I cheer for this choice, because had he succeeded, there would be no Twilight Saga, as there would be no Bella Swan. Yes, you guessed it. I’m….
TEAM TYLER’S VAN!!!!
By Spanman
on Dec 7, 12:02 AM
Guys, I’m solidly Team Charlie.
By Delzra
on Dec 7, 01:32 AM
Yay for Team Tyler’s Van!
By RomanticVampireLover
on Dec 7, 09:08 AM
I bloody love you, Kawnliee. :D ‘Twas wonderful. LOVE LOVE BELLA/TYLER’S VAN.
By Jeni
on Dec 7, 11:49 AM
That was awesome, Kawnliee. Thank you so much and STAY. PLEASE.
By swenson
on Dec 7, 06:54 PM
Seconded on RVL and Jeni’s posts! This was great.
TEAM TYLER’S VAN! Whoo! (now all we need are little banners for forum signatures, a fansite, and a religion, and we can be R34L TW1L1GHT F4NZ 4 L1F3!)
By Snow White Queen
on Dec 7, 07:29 PM
Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with Tyler’s van…had so much potential for a meaningful relationship, and it was all wasted.
:(
By Pearl
on Dec 7, 07:32 PM
B-E-A-U-TIFUL, just beautiful.
By SarahSyna
on Dec 7, 08:32 PM
Team Tyler’s Van. Match made in Heaven, even if it would have sent Bella to Hell.
Failing that, Team Jasper. I just have a thing for blondes with scars. Oh, and backgrounds that are actually kind of interesting.
By Aldrea945
on Dec 8, 10:20 AM
Personally, I’m Team Kill-them-all!. Any takers?
By ZeeZee
on Dec 9, 12:17 AM
I’ll take that! You bring the popcorn and I’ll bring the sniper rifles.
By Anonymous45
on Dec 9, 03:46 PM
lol I agree. short and to the point.
OMG
Team Sunlight! the ones that show the Cullens as they really are-SPARKLY!
By Tolly
on Dec 9, 08:13 PM
I’m up for Team Kill-Them-All.
It’s put me out of my misery very quickly and be worth a few laughs too.
This article just made me snort Coke through my NOSE.
By TakuGifian
on Dec 11, 05:44 AM
Why is nobody ever Team Mike? That guy deserves a break, he manages to not be a douche even when stuck in the mire that is Twilight.
:P I kid, I kid. I’m Team Gandalf-The-White-Descends-From-On-High-And-Smites-Everyone-(With-His-Staff).
Or, failing that, Team Forks-Is-Actually-The-Target-Of-Secret-Government-Missile-Testing-And-The-Cullenses-And-Bella-Don’t-Realise-That-All-The-Other-Forks-Folks-Are-Animatronic-Dummies-(Hence-Why-Nobody-Questioned-Edward’s-Super-Speed-In-The-First-Book-And-Why-Bella-Is-The-Only-Human-The-Vampires-Seem-To-Notice-Ever-But-Seriously-What’s-Up-With-That)
Or, for short, Team FIATTOSGMTATCABDRTATOFFAADHWNQESSITFBAWBITOHTVSTNEBSWUWT.
Or for short short, Team Fiat! vroom, vroom!
By AliceCullenfan
on Dec 14, 10:21 AM
I am for team kill edward and bella. I actually like all of the other characters.
By Magus
on Dec 21, 03:17 PM
I’m on Team Charlie’s Moustache.
By Steph (what is left)
on Dec 25, 07:28 PM
(who are still virgins)
I have to admit, this is Edward Cullen’s sole redeeming feature.
Anyway. This was amazing, and should be shown to every single Twi-fan as it’s a quick run-down on why Twilight sucks for short attention spans, which I think most Twi-hards have when it’s to do with why Twilight sucks.
Team Eric. Just because he looks like the ‘overly-helpful chess-club type’ does not make him worthless!
By AliceCullenfan
on Dec 29, 01:20 PM
I am a Twi-hard fan I love everything about twilight. My Favorite Characters are Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale and Jacob Black I do like Dr. Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Emmett Cullen and Rosalie Hale but I hate Edward. I hate the fact most girls are crushing over edward and trying to make the boyfriends act like edward. That’s just discusting. I like Alice because she is who she is and nobody can tell her what to do. That’s another reason why I hate Edward. He tells bella what to do and she is so in-love with him she can’t see he’s controlling her. Jacob on the other hand let’s bella be who she wants to be and doesn’t try to controll every part of her live. so i would be on team jacob.
By TwilightAliceCullen
on Jan 4, 02:29 PM
I am for team kill them all but take out Alice and Jasper.
By TwilightAliceCullen
on Jan 12, 07:59 PM
(Continuing from previous message) Oh and take out jacob and the pack and the quilutes like Billy and Emily.
I am a fan of the books but I really can’t stand some of the Characters.
By Arya
on Jan 17, 01:29 PM
That is so hilarious. Although I’ll be team TYLER’S VAN! WITHOUT THAT VAN WE COULDN’T HAVE COMEDY!
By TwilightAliceCullen
on Jan 22, 10:33 AM
That is so hilarious, just like you said. Team Tyler’s Van!!!! LOL
By Tolly
on Jan 25, 09:44 AM
I’ve changed my mind. I’ll be over here in Team I-Hate-The-World-And-Will-Toss-A-Nuke-At-Forks-So-Pray-I-Don’t-Go-Into-Politics, a.k.a. Team Big Smegging Boom.
By fffan
on Feb 22, 02:53 AM
@ tyler’s van: you deserve a standing ovation
By Arya66
on Mar 2, 09:38 PM
Haha, yes Tyler’s van does deserve a standing ovation. applauds