How to Be Your Favorite Characters
If you’re like me, your two favorite series are Eragon and Twilight. I have compiled a small guide for you, dearest gentle sexy reader, on how to be just like the characters in these two assuredly awesome series.
Eragon: First you’re going to have to fix your hair. It’s too messy. Comb it. Like, right now. If it’s not brown, roll around in some mud or chocolate until it is. Check your eye color. If it’s brown, you’re done. If it’s not brown, stab yourself in both your eyes with a letter opener. Blood dries from crimson to brown. Lucky you. Now check your mirror again. Point your ears artificially by pinching the upper part and pulling up. Now for your face! If you are not sexy, go to the nearest plastic surgery clinic and ask for the Deluxe Sexifying Package. When you wake up you will be left with an enormous bill and the most gorgeous, if a little stiff, visage anyone has ever seen. Now hit the gym, say deep things like “the songs of the dead are the lamentations of the living,” and ogle the groins of others in the locker room. Make sure you have basically no personality.
Murtagh: Brood sexily. Hate everything, but sexily. Angst over your father being a horrible villain. Wear dark clothes. Sexily. If you are unable to be sexy, stop eating until you are. If fangirls begin to chase you, don’t run. Use the power of your hotness to fly into the night like Batman with better hair. If you are unable to fly into the night using your hotness alone, procure an extremely sawed-off shotgun and fire directly downward. Or use said shotgun to kill fangirls, but that is illegal. Unless you are sexy enough to pull off murder, refrain from attempting it.
Bella: Make sure your hair and eyes are brown. If they are not, you do not look enough like Stephenie Meyer and you should give up. Press on if you are a brunette. Keep your lips parted but your teeth closed like a proper lady, so you look bored or mildly annoyed constantly. Deride yourself so others will tell you how pretty and awesome you are. Trip over everything, even while standing perfectly still. Find new and creative ways to damage yourself. Moon pathetically over a guy who visibly can’t stand your presence. Like Eragon, be sure to have pretty much no personality or interests. You’ll be on your way to grabbing the attention of everyone else in no time—at least, if you’re not operating in the real world.
Edward: Purchase hair dye. Give up. You’ll never be as beautiful as Edward.
Jacob: Go to an outdoor swimming pool. Swim in the deep end until you cannot keep afloat any longer. When you emerge you should be both tanned and capable of flexing really hard. Next, since werewolves don’t exist, you’re going to have to convincingly portray one using your own scruffiness. File your canine teeth into points and stop shaving a little bit before a full moon. Run around outside howling. If you have friends, convince them to do all of the above so you can pretend you have a herd gaggle crash pack. When there are girls nearby, force yourself onto them. They like it.
Comment
By Aldrea945
on Dec 11, 07:33 PM
Haha. Wow. I soooooo want to be them! Thanks Kitty for making my day. By the way, You have to learn Magiks to be Eragon.
Eragon: Yes! Someone finally gets me!
Me: Didn’t I kill you and push you off a cliff?
Eragon: Yes. Now you die you evil- Goes on a rant. I get annoyed and call up Galby.
Me: Yes…Right now…Oh don’t worry, he’s occupied.
Galby flies in and roasts Eragon. I push him off a convenient cliff. Arya walks up.
Arya: Looks at Galby. Are you a genie?
Galby: Yes. Make a wish.
Arya: I wish I had a personality.
Galby: If you jump off that cliff, you will magically get one.
Arya: Won’t that hurt?
Galby and I: No.
Arya: Leans over and looks down, contemplating. We come up and kick her in the butt. She starts flipping in the air as she falls. WWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Boom.
Galby and I: Loved it! You’re always funny.
Me: Coffee?
Galby: Sure. You buy. We walk away talking about coffee.
By WiseWillow
on Dec 11, 09:00 PM
Snort I’ve never read Eragon, I forgot there’s someone named Galby… of all the retarded names! Lovely article :D
By Apep
on Dec 11, 09:13 PM
Very nice.
Also, I heard all of the Murtagh stuff in an Antonio Banderas/Spanish accent in my head.
By Puppet
on Dec 11, 09:23 PM
Well, his real name is Galbatorix, Willow. xP
By Wizard of Toast
on Dec 11, 10:52 PM
channles bad fan-person i wna b bella cuz se gts t fndl edwrd an she hs psnaty u nvr rd t boks u stpd idt i bt u lv w ur mtr an hvnt hd a dte n yrs.
By TakuGifian
on Dec 12, 06:24 AM
Give up. You’ll never be as beautiful as Edward.
Aha! Who’s beautiful now?
By Romantic Vampire Lover
on Dec 12, 08:27 AM
Heh heh, love this line:
ogle the groins of others in the locker room
Wonderful job, Kitty. :D
By Danielle
on Dec 12, 07:52 PM
you are sexy enough to pull off murder
Well, that officially explains Eldest and Brisingr…
By Kyllorac
on Dec 12, 10:26 PM
Taku, that mask has scarred me for life. o_o I blame any and all resulting nightmares on you.
Use the power of your hotness to fly into the night like Batman with better hair.
XD
By Pearl
on Dec 12, 10:41 PM
I have no words, only laughter. :D
By ZeeZee
on Dec 13, 10:07 PM
If you are unable to fly into the night using your hotness alone, procure an extremely sawed-off shotgun and fire directly downward.
Yay, physics!
By swenson
on Dec 14, 10:07 AM
Remember, kids, any crime is forgivable if done sexily enough.
Love the article, Kitty!
By ProserpinaFC
on Dec 14, 02:07 PM
Do I have raise any crocs or large iguanas to compare to Eragon’s awesome dragon husbandry?
Could I get a croc to grow from a baby into a 14-footer in a couple months?! :D
By SMARTALIENQT
on Dec 16, 10:05 PM
Brood sexily. Hate everything, but sexily. Angst over your father being a horrible villain. Wear dark clothes. Sexily.
Somehow this reminded me of “I jumped sexily in front of the bullet.” Awesome article!
By LucyWannabe
on Dec 20, 12:49 PM
Ah! I really needed some good chuckles, and I got them! I think my favorite one is the Murtagh description.
By Steph who will brave the bullet to become the future bride of Murtagh
on Dec 25, 07:37 PM
Loved the Edward description. But I don’t think you made Murtagh sexy enough.
By AliceCullenfan
on Dec 29, 01:26 PM
Lol that’s totally funny. I really liked the discription of Eragon!
By TwilightAliceCullen
on Jan 12, 08:00 PM
Oh wow is this funny. I think you’re right on the Money with the descriptions of Edward and Eragon and Bella.Lol!!! :)
By Musiclover
on Jan 17, 02:35 PM
Oh god oh god! (laughs, I don’t know how to do the bold and everything)
That was hilarious! Oh god.
@TwilightAliceCullen You are so right about the descriptions of Edward, Eragon, and Bella! I can’t be Bella because of 2 things
1. I have a personality
2. I have blond hair and blue eyes! Poor me!
By Musiclover
on Jan 17, 02:42 PM
Dang you! I’m gonna have nightmares about the MASK OF ROBERT PATTINSON. DANG YOU!
By TwilightAliceCullen
on Jan 22, 03:27 PM
Where do you come up with this stuff? It is so funny!
By Curly
on Mar 31, 05:38 AM
Yay late post!
Hehehe, it’s all funny coz it’s like, true (haven’t read Twilight etc though, I still have my pride). Remember kids, if you ever get trained by Yoda Oromis, describe how he is lithe like a wildcat and has a hairless groin. Sexily. Especially if you’re a guy.
Damn these eyes! And this hair! Now I am rather depressed. If only I didn’t spend all this time having a personality! Guess it’s up to me to get rid of it… sexily.
Where’s that letter opener…