Written by Lord Snow. Posted on Sep 12, 09:09 PM.

Everything Wrong With Twilight: Part 1

Okay, similar to my last project Everything Wrong With Eragon I am going through the book Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and ripping it apart quote by quote, looking for flaws. Only this time I have help, from this site’s creator, SlyShy.

Preface

“I’d never given much thought to how I would die”(Meyer p. 3)

SS—Glad to hear you are like most people, not excessively morbid. Well, this isn’t true, as we will later find out.

LS— Uh-oh, she sounds depressed. Bella, don’t kill yourself, this is only the first sentence!

“The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.” (p.4)

SS— How do you know he is going to kill you if he is so friendly? Guess I’ll have to read THE WHOLE BOOK to find out.

1. First Sight

“It rains on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America.”(p.4)

SS— I like exaggeration as much as the next guy! No, WAY MORE!

LS— Exaggeration? She’s obviously being serious. She has been to every single place in the United States.

“It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old” (p.4)

SS—What isn’t stated is why they are in jail.

“My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines.”(p.4)

SS— “He looked human except for his crimson hair and maroon eyes” heheh.

“I lied. I’d always been a bad liar, but I’d been saying this lie so frequently lately that it sounded almost convincing now.”(p.4)

SS—Funny thing about lying, this always works, sadly.

“I found a good car for you, really cheap,” he announced when we were strapped in.
“What kind of car?” I was suspicious of the way he said “good car for you” as opposed to just “good
car.” (p.5)

LS— Like she isn’t at all concerned about him saying “really cheap.”
SS—“What are you implying!?” “That the car looks really cheap, sort of like you.”

“Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?” La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.
“No.” (p.5)

LS— Yeah, that’s how you could just narrate what it was to us…

“I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.”(p.5)

LS— And that’s how you just told us exactly what clothes you brought with you. And that your “My carry-on item was a parka.“I thought she just said she was good at lying.

““He’s in a wheelchair now,” Charlie continued when I didn’t respond, “so he can’t drive anymore, and he
offered to sell me his truck cheap.”
“What year is it?” I could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping I wouldn’t ask.” (p.5-6)

SS—Guess what you forgot to do? Act at all sympathetic or remorseful. I guess you hate Native Americans.

“Dad, I don’t really know anything about cars.” (p.6)

LS— Didn’t you just have an entire conversation about cars? Including the year the car was made? Why would you care if you didn’t know better?

“Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don’t build them like that anymore.” (p.6)

LS— Yeah, they probably run better now. Seeing how that is how technology works. They make things better and then you buy them, it is the American way.
SS—You mean, the Japanese way. :P
LS— Shhh! It’s our job to steal the credit.

“That’s really nice, Dad. Thanks. I really appreciate it.” (p.6)

LS— He just bought her a friggin’ car. This is not a normal human reaction.

“And I never looked a free truck in the mouth — or engine.” (p.6)

LS— Oh, jeeze. Do I really need to say anything?

““I’m glad you like it,” Charlie said gruffly, embarrassed again.” (p.7)

LS— Why does he keep getting embarrassed? I mean, he bought her a car, you would think he would anticipate some sort of thanks. Or maybe he’s just going for the “Most Socially Awkward” award.
SS— Obviously someone who has been elected police chief would be ridiculously bad with people… :rolleyes:

“There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.” (p.7)

LS— Oh no! I don’t get my own bathroom, whatever will I do?
SS—Charlie has explosive diarrhea, the poor guy.

“I should be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.” (p.7)

LS— Yeah, all the girls from Phoenix are tan, sporty, blonde cheerleaders and volleyball players. Seriously. You have no idea how big their cheerleading squads are.

“there were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home” (p.7)

LS— Maybe I’m wrong, but I would think a big city like Phoenix would have more kids in the school district than my suburban city does…

“Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine.” (p.7)

SS— So instead of tanning you burn. Funny how you don’t mention how freaking SUNBURNT you are right now.

“I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair.” (p.7)

SS— Our friend, the mirror. Almost a necessity of first person writing. Too bad it’s such an overused and tired trick by now.

“The office was small; a little waiting area with padded folding chairs, orange-flecked commercial carpet, notices and awards cluttering the walls, a big clock ticking loudly. Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots, as if there wasn’t enough greenery outside. The room was cut in half by a long counter, cluttered with wire baskets full of papers and brightly colored flyers taped to its front. There were three desks behind the counter, one of which was” (p.8-9)

SS—This is the only room described in this detail. Consistent description, yay.

“She went through my classes for me, highlighting the best route to each on the map” (p.9)

LS— … How big can a three hundred fifty-eight person school get?
SS— You don’t understand, she has to take the shortest route. Even if it involves walking into people.

“‘I’m headed toward building four, I could show you the way…’ Definitely over-helpful.” (p.10)

LS— Apparently being helpful at all is overly helpful.
SS—Apparently being a shallow and assuming bitch is cool.
LS— I also love that fact that she is worried about not making friends while she is acting like this.
SS— GO AWAY YOU ARE TOO FRIENDLY AND EASY TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH AND GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“I tried to be diplomatic, but mostly I just lied a lot.” (p.10)

LS— Being a sociopath is a good way to make friends, too.
SS— Ready for a bright young career in Real Estate.

“At least I never needed the map.” (p.10)

LS— Wow, good job Bella, you managed to not get lost in a friggin’ tiny school.

“I couldn’t remember her name, so I smiled and nodded as she prattled about teachers and classes. I didn’t try to keep up.” (p.11)

LS— God, I wish I had some friends. Urgh, what is this little thing that is making noise at me and smiling?
SS— “What’s your name?” “Oh, hi, nice to meet you, Rebecca.” “Now let me attempt for the first time to be interested in something other than myself.”

“They didn’t look anything alike.”
“And yet, they were all exactly alike. Every one of them was chalky pale, the palest of all the students
living in this sunless town. Paler than me, the albino. They all had very dark eyes despite the range in hair
tones. They also had dark shadows under those eyes — purplish, bruiselike shadows. As if they were all
suffering from a sleepless night, or almost done recovering from a broken nose. Though their noses, all
their features, were straight, perfect, angular.” (p.11)

LS— So let me get this straight. They didn’t look anything alike, except their skin, eyes, the shadows under there eyes, their noses, and all of their features. Yep, that doesn’t seem like a gigantic contradiction.

“the face of an angel” (p.11)

LS— And so it begins. Cream Count: 1¹
SS— SQUEEE!

““Who are they?” I asked the girl from my Spanish class, whose name I’d forgotten.” (p.11)

LS— I guess she isn’t good looking enough to be important.
SS— I guess not. At least she spoke to her.

“I couldn’t stop myself from peeking occasionally through the screen of my hair at the strange boy next to
me. During the whole class, he never relaxed his stiff position on the edge of his chair, sitting as far from
me as possible. I could see his hand on his left leg was clenched into a fist, tendons standing out under his
pale skin. This, too, he never relaxed” (p.13)

SS— His entire body was a giant stiffy. It was love at first sight. He was everything I ever wanted in a man.

“the beautiful boy” “his perfect lips” ““They are… very nice-looking.” I struggled with the conspicuous understatement.” “as beautiful as they were”(p.12)
“the phrase if looks could kill suddenly ran through my mind.” (p.14)

LS— I have a feeling this number will get very high. Cream Count: 6
SS— Give my regards to Robert Pattinson

“I looked up to see a cute, baby-faced boy, his pale blond hair carefully gelled into orderly spikes, smiling
at me in a friendly way… He was the nicest person I’d met today.” (p.14)

LS— Or he was just nice and good looking, instead of just nice, like the other two people you met.

“low, attractive voice”“his face was absurdly handsome” “ a voice like velvet” (p.15)

LS— Cream Count: 9

2. Open Book

“It was ridiculous, and egotistical” (p.16)

LS— Tsk, tsk. Bella, you shouldn’t refer to yourself as “It”.
SS— Oh, snap.

“They’re all very attractive” (p.19)

LS— Cream Count: 10

“‘Ew.’ Snow. There went my good day.
He looked surprised. ‘Don’t you like snow?’
‘No. That means it’s too cold for rain.’ Obviously.” (p.20)

LS— What kind of excuse is that? Also, it won’t be as fun if the characters call themselves out for being Captain Obvious. That’s my job.

“Twice Mike asked, with unnecessary concern, how I was feeling.” (p.21)

LS— Jeeze, what’s with you people and caring about me all the time? Can’t you see I’m trying to be outrageously depressing about everything? It doesn’t work if people think I actually have people who care about me.

“His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips.” “He laughed a soft, enchanting laugh.” “I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot.” (p.23)

LS— Cream Count: 14

“I couldn’t fathom his interest” (p.25)

LS— Urgh, can’t you see I’m trying to be melodramatic? Stop being nice.

“perfect, ultrawhite teeth” “beautiful boy” (p.27)

LS— Cream Count: 16
SS— Brought to you by Crest®.

¹ See what Robert Pattinson, who is playing Edward in the upcoming movie, thinks of his character: here.

Tagged as Everything Wrong With, Everything Wrong With Twilight, Lord Snow, Slyshy.

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