Written by Falconempress. Posted on Apr 15, 01:39 PM.

"You Slay Me" Spork - Chapter 4 Part 1

“And then I said to her, Rachel, you’re out of your ever-lovin’ mind. There’s no way in h-e-double-tooth-picks you’d find me hookin’ up with a faery, especially one of the unseelie court, no matter how well hung he is. Ya just never know with them, do ya? I heard about a witch in Quebec who crossed one of the unseelie princes, and she ended up with three breasts. Can you imagine what she goes through trying to find a bra that fits?”

I’m sorry we must have accidentally stepped into the mindfuck fetish land. Must be a wrong file (checks folders). But no, this is it. You Slay Me.

ponders the fact for a moment

No, I am not going to cry like a little girl this time.

We’re in G&T, the bar the creepy lady advised Aisling to help her search for th elusive Mr. Vireo who we now know is a dragon, and a leader at that. I am not going to use the term “wyvern“ because a.) it sounds stupid and b.) well, that’s about it. So, he will be a leader from now on.

I’d had the whole day to come to grips with the fact that everyone in Paris was evidently either on drugs or suffering from mass hypnosis (I couldn’t quite face the alternative)

Must…resist…bringing…up…oh fuCUSTOMS OFFICER FROM HELL!!! ARE YOU REALLY THAT DUMB?!

Nevermind. I promise that was the last time I bring up Antoine. Honest. So Aisling walks in, surprised at how ordinary everything seems:

What I saw shocked me—everyone looked so normal! There weren’t any odd creatures lurking about or people wearing pointy witch’s hats and leaning over crystal balls. No tarot cards, no rune stones, no cauldrons or crystals or pentagrams. Not even one magic wand was in evidence.

“I’m sorry madam, you are probably looking for the Harry Potter Re-enactment Group, they are meeting in the building right next to us. Big doors with ornate handles and a guy with a broomstick stuffed between his legs shouting “You cannot pass!“ at the passer – bys – can’t miss it. He may ask for a secret handshake and a password, but if you say “ni“ at him, he will squeal and let you through, he hates the sound for some reason. It’s no bother, we get these little confusions a lot.“

She sits down and the waitress gives her the menu and a list of rules she has to read first:

G & T IS A NEUTRAL GROUND. PLEASE FOLLOW THE RULES:
1. No summoning minions of any form, persuasion, or origin.

2. No wards are to be drawn within the club, either protective or otherwise.

3. Glamours are strictly prohibited. No exceptions will be allowed.

4. Patrons who squash imps will please scrape up the mess and deposit the remains in the imp bucket.

BEINGS AND ENTITIES WHO DISREGARD THE RULES WILL BE SUMMARILY DEALT WITH BY THE VENEDIGER.

Okay, I admit. The “imp bucket“ part actually sounds pretty funny. But that does not save this trainwreck of a book. Things are bound to get much, much worse. You’ll see.

The waitress stands around as if waiting for something, until Aisling says she agrees with the rules and only then the waitress leaves. Aisling, being the mentally stalwart blabbering child she is, starts talking to herself again about how confident and in control she is until her little session is interrupted by a chick with an English accent and long blond hair named Ophelia (her mom was a Shakespeare scholar, isn’t that just the cutest thing!).

Ophelia is all excited about Aisling being a Guardian, and not only that, an American Guardian to boot, and asks about her portal. Aisling admits being portal-less for the time being, which incites OMG NO WAI reaction from Ophelia. She says Aisling has to be one badass Guardian, if she managed to close a portal all by herself. Ophelia then warns her about satyrs, that after a drink or two they get a bit grabby.

Ahem. I actually took a moment there and went to talk to my friend who is an archaeologist and wrote her thesis essay on Satyrs. When I told her this, she laughed and then said that if a satyr only gets “grabby“ after a few drinks, the girl should feel not only like she won a lottery, but as if she won all the lotteries in the world. With the same ticket.

And since Aisling is retarded, so she has to ask what does Ophelia mean by “grabby“.

headdesk

As our Exposition Girl continues, the aforementioned Venediger is a title awarded to the most powerful mage in the country, in this case France. He is the one who keeps everybody in line and unleashes a shitstorm in case somebody crosses the line. This Venediger’s name is Albert Camus.

headdesk

But everybody just calls him “Venediger“ since that is much easier to remeber.

headdesk

Ouch. I probably should stop doing that.

Oh, and check out the description this guy gets:

He was dressed in a long navy frock coat with matching pants and a beautifully embroidered gold vest. It was a strangely elegant, very old-world ensemble. He was middle aged, probably early to mid-fifties, going bald with his shoulder-length black hair caught back in a ponytail. He looked polished and moderately narcissistic, but certainly not like the most powerful mage in France.“

Really? And Aisling didn’t find this bar unusual in ANY way when she walked in? Seems like somebody else got lost on their way to the “Harry Potter Re-enactment Group“ meeting.

But that is not important. We also get to meet Ophelia’s sister, Perdita, who comes over and, just as Ophelia did, does the whole OMG routine upon hearing Aisling is a Guardian without a portal. The two seem to be twins and demand to know what is Aisling actually doing there.

When she tells them shes looking for Drake because he is a thieving asshole, the two almost shit their pants because Drake is apparently “bad news, very bad news.“ But Aisling, our daring, strong – willed, independent and quirky heroine, is not the least bit scared.

And who else is to enter that very moment than the handsome reptilian himself? He stands with his back turned on Aisling, so she gets up and greets him from behind with:

“Well, if it isn’t Puff the Magic Dragon,”

Okay, that too was actually pretty funny. However, the sentence continues:

I didn’t speak loudly, but the second the words left my mouth, a hush fell over the entire club. Even the music stopped, as if by magic.

Destined to be together, with the rest of the world just being a foil for the epic romance that is about to unfurl, when they meet, the whole universe holds its breath. Because nothing is as passionate and mind – blowing as a relationship between an abusive, thieving asshole of a man and a shallow, airheaded, one – dimensional and annoying excuse for a woman.

Drake’s shoulders stiffened at my words. He slowly turned around, his eyes shining with a brilliant green light in the smoky darkness of the club.

“Aisling.” His voice was just as wonderful as I remembered it, deep and rich, and as soft as velvet brushing against my skin. I shivered at the undiluted effect of it at close range. “I had not expected to see you here.”

Bad purple prose is bad.

She then demands the stolen statue back, which does not go very well with Drake:

His eyes narrowed. His nostrils flared. The air of danger that surrounded him—so palpable, I could almost touch it—thickened. The people surrounding us surreptitiously moved back several paces as if they were expect-ing trouble. I wished I could join them. I felt as if it were high noon, and I’d just stepped into the main street of Tombstone, my trusty six-shooter at my side.

Aisling informs him that she now knows all sorts of things about him and that she told the police about him being a thieving douchebag as well, so she could call them any moment. Drake finds her attempt at a threat amusing.

A smile flirted with his lips. Dangerous lips, I reminded myself as my heart started beating faster.

Everything about Bad Boys ™ is dangerous, including their lips. And their toenail clippers.

He might be a dragon, he might be someone whose name instilled fear in other people, but boy howdy, he sure turned my crank.

“Are you by any chance threatening me?”

You know, some people would call the cops and stall the criminal until they arrived. But not Aisling. She is the horniest woman I have ever come across, real or not. Also – “boy howdy, he sure turns my crank“? Wut?

We are then treated to this painful exchange of innuendos:

I lifted my chin even higher. “Only if you intend on making things hard.”

His gaze raked me as he took in the pretty poppy dress. “Things are already hard, sweetheart.”

Yeah, like that chocolate I accidentally left in the fridge for too long after it melted that other day? Damn, I hate cold, hard chocolate!

My knees almost melted at the double entendre,

Oh SOMETHING did melt, all right.

but I stiffened them and reminded my libido that he was a thief who had cruelly stolen my aquamanile and left me at the mercy of the gendarmes. “I doubt you’re going to die from hauling a little wood,” I said, purposefully misinterpreting his statement. “Let’s stick to the point, shall we?

“Oh, there is something she would like you to stick her with right now, baby:P“

“You have my dragon. I want it back.”

“I am immortal, Aisling—I cannot die.

And that is related to him stealing her fancy statue how…?

You, however, are refreshingly mortal.” As he spoke, his fingers slid around my neck until his hand was gripping me in. a hold that was borderline strangling.

There are people watching this. Including the most powerful mage in the country. Somebody is bound to do something, right? Right?

The silence in the club was so thick, you could have cut it with a piece of toast.

What do you know? The world just literally stopped, just for the two of them and everybody but watches. So that Aisling and Drake could… partake in some more physical abuse… checks the blurb You know, I could have sworn this is some fetish porn. Although porn does not take this long to get to the humping. On the other hand I really, really, REALLY hope we will never get to see those two getting it on. I would probably gouge my eyes out.

Back to the abuse:

“You can huff and puff and breathe fire on me all you want, Drake,” I said, my voice hoarse as his fingers slowly squeezed the air from my windpipe. I kept my chin up, my gaze firmly on his. “I’m not going to back down. I am not afraid of you.”

Famous last words.

“No? We shall see about that, shall we?” He moved closer, and every nerve in my body screamed a warning, but I just stood there as he pulled me to him, his arms hard as steel behind me, his mouth swooping down to claim mine.“

No. Stop it right there, MacAlister! I SAID STOP!

gears whirring

steam hissing

engines roaring to life

lifts head and looks around

Huh? My Reality Machine? That thing still works?

checks the readings on the machine

Yes! Yes it does! I stopped it! I don’t have to read it any more! Hooray! It’s over, everybody! It’s over!

loud mechanical screech

Uh – oh. That didn’t sound good.

more screeching

Oh no. It’s not going to hold for much longer. It’s gonna blow!

FIRE IN THE HOLE! AAAARGH!!!

Tagged as Falconempress, Paranormal Romance, Spork, You Slay Me.

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