"You Slay Me" Spork - Chapter 6
This chapter is just about as long as the other, however, it can be summed up in a few basic points:
– Jim craps and pisses a lot in one of the most famous gardens in the world, then proceeds to lick his genitals repeatedly
– Assling is being retarded, as usual
– Due to her retardedness she encounters the French police once again. Which is nowhere near as promising as the first time, seeing as the French police turned out to be completely incompetent and stupid before.
Okay, I will expand a bit about that.
Assling takes Jim for a walk in the Gardens of Touilleries, where he partakes in the aforementioned activities, wise – cracking all the time and talking condescendingly to Assling, which is nowhere near as interesting as it sounds. Assling questions him about being a demon, we have a brief, utterly pointless infodump about demons. The only thing mentionable from that conversation is that demons are scared out of their pants to call their home “Hell!, so in the context of this book, hell is called “Abaddon”, because it sounds “So much more exotic, don’t you think?”
It also turns out that Jim, along with being the annoying talking animal sidekick/comedy relief is also a completely useless demon, since he was stripped off his power after he sent a giant monster to violently sodomize his boss. I swear I did not make that up. Blah blah Assling hurts his feelings, some random woman thinks Assling is abusing a poor dog, but nothing happens, of course.
The two then decide to go back to the scene of the crime and investigate. Yes, because when you are a murder suspect, the smartest thing you can do is wander around the crime scene. Also, Jim likes to smell random people’s crotches. Ain’t he such a lovable character?
I stopped caring about the creepiness factor a long time ago.
So they go back to the building, but they run into an obstacle – the front door is locked and they have no way of getting inside. Whatever are they going to do?
Assling, being the genius that she is, rings a random person’s bell and informs them there is a frog in her bidet. Instead of advising her to flush it down, along with herself, the person for some reason lets Assling in. And of course, since they have outlived their usefulness, we never hear of the nameless tenant ever again. But upstairs, when they stand in front of the apartment they run into another locked door. How is Assling going to get in?
I hustled Jim up the carpeted stairs in case the person on the third floor came out to the landing to see who was buzzing them. I stopped just long enough to tap on Mme. Deauxville’s door, making sure no one was inside before hurrying down the tiny hall to the back door.
“Bet it’s locked,” Jim said.
“Hush. Of course it’s locked, but I am not my father’s daughter for nothing,” I said, breathing a sigh of relief. The lock on the back door was an older one, not a dead bolt. I pulled out my maxed-out credit card and used it.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Jim said, disbelief rampant in its eyes.
For a change, I do not feel like shooting Jim between his eyes.
“Nope. Daddy was a locksmith. The best locksmith in Santa Barbara. The things he taught me would astound you.”
headdesk
Why of course! Along with being learned in medieval demonology scriptures and forensic medicine, she is also a trained locksmith! There is just no end to the more than convenient skills Assling possesses! My only question is: since she is so skilled in so many things, how come she has to rely on her uncle to provide her with a job? With her genius, she could do anything!
Besides, there is no way that credit card trick could possibly work.
“I doubt that,” Jim started to say, then closed his fuzzy lips when I swept open the door with a grand gesture.
headdesk
headdesk
headdesk
sounds of wood breaking and things crashing
a broken, sobbing figure kneels in the middle of the debris
I hate this book, I hate it so very, very much. sniff
So they go in, Jim talks some more smack at Assling and they find the circle. Assling is clueless and Jim goes to drink from the toilet, since that is what dogs do, ha ha, look at me not laughing. In the meantime, Assling accesses the powers she, up until the day before, had no idea she had and without much trouble is able to tell what demon was summoned in the circle. The name is “Bafamal” and he did not answer the summons because he was already in the apartment. Assling then concludes the demon left by the window, backing it up with “I have no idea how I knew that”.
You know what? Forget about the torture. I just want to shoot the author in the face.
Anyways.
What continues to baffle me is how Assling, while believing their rape session with Drake was just a dream, treats all the information he gave her at the time as perfectly reliable leads. Was this book even edited by anyone? Was it even read by anyone before being published, or did the publisher just had names of different books pinned to their dartboard and when a dart hit a name they went “Okay, throw that in the print! Just as it is, don’t bother with editing or anything. I’m sure we have a bestseller on our hands! Now where did I put all that cocaine?”
You know what’s sad? I am certain at least the last part of that was true.
So they figure the demon ran out of window and go outside to investigate. They follow the fire escape route until they get to the place where the ladder touches the ground. The two bounce some ideas around until Jim falls silent (thankfully) and wondering what has happened with him (or, hopefully, TO him) she turns around to find herself standing face to face with inspector Proust, the man who interrogated her after she was taken in the custody on suspicion of murder of the very person whose apartment she is standing outside right now.
“You will forgive my impertinent curiosity, Mlle. Grey, but I am unable to keep from asking if you often find yourself receiving advice from dogs?”
You know, if you just dropped the charges on the grounds of apparent mental insufficiency of your suspect and just had her deported, it would save us all a world of trouble.
“Poop,” I said. And meant it.
We can agree there. Only I would not be caught dead saying „poop“.
Tagged as Falconempress, Paranormal Romance, Spork, You Slay Me.Comment
By Nate Winchester
on May 4, 12:40 PM
– Due to her retardedness she encounters the French police once again. Which is nowhere near as promising as the first time, seeing as the French police turned out to be completely incompetent and stupid before.
How’s that different from normal?
(someone was gonna say it)
It also turns out that Jim, along with being the annoying talking animal sidekick/comedy relief is also a completely useless demon, since he was stripped off his power after he sent a giant monster to violently sodomize his boss. I swear I did not make that up
Shame… that sounds like a more interesting book. (in fact, I think I RPG’d as that character once…)
Also, Jim likes to smell random people’s crotches. Ain’t he such a lovable character?
What kind of dog is this? I keep thinking of the pug from Little Nicky who isn’t tall enough to sniff anyone above their ankles.
So they go back to the building, but they run into an obstacle – the front door is locked
That made me laugh so hard.
Besides, there is no way that credit card trick could possibly work.
I actually just used it to get through a door here at work (true story). You’re partially right though, it doesn’t work as well as people think.
a broken, sobbing figure kneels in the middle of the debris
Hey, what you do with whomever on your own time is none of our business.
Assling then concludes the demon left by the window, backing it up with “I have no idea how I knew that”.
Yeah… I don’t care how cheesy it gets, this is why I’ll appreciate SPN for always having “a bit of sulfur on the window sill”.
You know what’s sad? I am certain at least the last part of that was true.
Hmm… new plan: Send the manuscript of Nagasaki Moon with a free bag of cocaine and a premade dartboard with the title on every inch.
Hey, I now have the answers to Eragon!
By arska
on May 4, 01:52 PM
You know what, I’d like Jim if only he was not able to talk, and went around smelling people’s crotches, and Assling is all mortified by it and apologizing to everyone. That would be funny.
^ Please shoot me. I think I’m delirious
Also on my notes to improve this monstrosity:
Have Assling tragically kidnapped, and then set on fire. It would be hilarious to watch her run around and scream in pain. I suggest bringing sunglasses and a protective shield. Isn’t helium combustible?
Drake. Kill him. Maybe have him suffer rectal prolapse.
OH GOD!! BETTER YET!!! HAVE ASSLING SUFFER RECTAL PROLAPSE BEFORE WE SET HER ON FIRE!!!
YES. YES. THE FLAMES. THE PAIN. IT PURIFIES.
Why of course! Along with being learned in medieval demonology scriptures
And Next to be summoned, DEMONIC KITTY!
Hopefully it goes berserk and kills her. One can only hope.
As usual, here are the shots of brain bleach:
Lifts to Falconempress
To the strength of your stomach!! We applaud thee!
Also, on an off-hand note, I stumbled across this, and it is the most apt description for this book that can be found:
By Kyllorac
on May 4, 02:14 PM
I actually just used it to get through a door here at work (true story). You’re partially right though, it doesn’t work as well as people think.
And it only works on certain types of older locks. The newer ones are designed so that this little trick no longer works. I found that out the hard way. holds up broken debit card as proof
But wow. That book is bad. Aisling = too dumb to live. Humor and wit = in the negatives. Urge to maim author = already maxed.
By falconempress
on May 4, 03:41 PM
@NW:
– Due to her retardedness she encounters the French police once again. Which is nowhere near as promising as the first time, seeing as the French police turned out to be completely incompetent and stupid before.
How’s that different from normal?
(someone was gonna say it)
Please do not slander the French or the law enforcement around me, kthxbai
What kind of dog is this? I keep thinking of the pug from Little Nicky who isn’t tall enough to sniff anyone above their ankles.
A newfoundland dog. I think it say so in the previous chapter
@arska – that comment is made of epic win.
chugs the brain bleach Thank you, my friends! Hey, everybody! The next round is on me :D
By arska
on May 4, 04:52 PM
@ Falconempress: I do try at times. ^^
By Nate Winchester
on May 4, 06:20 PM
Bye! [waves from bus]
By LucyWannabe
on May 4, 07:29 PM
Abaddon? sighs While it can be a place name, it’s normally just ONE section of Hell, not all of it. Sometimes, though, Abaddon refers to a demon King. Or is the name of one of the Four Horsemen…or just a random Angel of Destruction (I like dramatic capital letters). I have a feeling I know more about this than Assling does, and I don’t even really read about demonology!
By Snow White Queen
on May 4, 09:40 PM
Wasn’t there someone in Maradonia named Abaddon? Well, at least now we know what kind of literature we’re dealing with here…
By dragonarya
on May 4, 09:40 PM
It also turns out that Jim, along with being the annoying talking animal sidekick/comedy relief is also a completely useless demon, since he was stripped off his power after he sent a giant monster to violently sodomize his boss. I swear I did not make that up.
I… have nothing to say. Insert CAPS RAGE here.
I hate this book, I hate it so very, very much. sniff
proffers alcohol Let’s drink the pain away!
You know what? Forget about the torture. I just want to shoot the author in the face.
Same here.
This is getting worse the more it goes on… Is it possible? After Twilight and Inheritance? To be even worse?
By falconempress
on May 5, 01:30 AM
I have a feeling I know more about this than Assling does
Even people who have no idea what is going on know more about this than Assling does.We have not come across the worst instances yet (oh for the love of gods), but her knowledge fluctuates all over the place from “I am completely clueless when it is convenient for me to know nothing about this thing that I studied for years so that it warrants random infodumping” to “I ARE A GENIUSSS”
Blergh
Let’s drink the pain away!
I think that by the time Im done with this, Im going to need a liver replacement drinks
This is getting worse the more it goes on… Is it possible? After Twilight and Inheritance? To be even worse?
Yeah well…just wait…
By fffan
on May 5, 03:48 AM
I just want to know what was going on in the authour’s head when she wrote this abomination. (“Mmm this cocain is pretty good.”)
Oh, and Arska, helium isn’t flammible… at all. Is killed for ruining Arska’s joke
By Lilan Jaku
on May 5, 06:25 AM
About that Abaddon thing…it is not a part of Hell because Judaism doens’t really use this term. It’s more like the underworld. Chistianism understands this word as the name of THE Angel of Destruction. The one that comes one nice day at the end of times and burns it all with fire. Anyway, described as it is by Jim…just stupid and ridiculous…and stupid.
But I’ve come to a realization. This MacAlister (or whatever her name is) is amazing. We all thought that Eragon and Twilight (and Hawkmistress!) are the worst crap piles pretending to be fantasy books ever. But she managed to do something unaginable. She wrote something that normal scales for crappism can’t even measure. Monkeyfeathers, that is some talent…
By falconempress
on May 5, 07:45 AM
@LJ – I still think Twilight is much worse than this, if not when judged on its merits (and I am using the term in the loosest definition of the word), then because of the sheer popularity that Twilight has and how it influences an entire generation of young women, filling their heads with delusions of an incredibly dangerous sort. This, on the other hand, has nowhere near as strong a following, so a vastly smaller number of people get mindfucked reading this. Also, annoying as she may be, Assling has at least some semblance of a personality. True, she is “witty” and “wacky” to the extreme, but at least those are legitimate personality traits, much unlike “clumsy”, which is not so much personal as it is physical characteristic.
By arska
on May 5, 08:09 AM
Thanks fffan. ^^