Written by Falconempress. Posted on May 9, 05:02 PM.

"You Slay Me" Spork - Chapter 7

So Assling runs into inspector Proust near the scene of the crime she is suspected of committing. I cannot help but ponder the implications of the author choosing the names “Proust”, and “Camus” for that matter. Are they supposed to be symptoms of the characters’ involvement in the story? Do the characters carry certain symbolism in the context of the philosophies their namesakes presented? Does all of this mean anything?

My guess is these were the two French – sounding names the author could remember from whatever classes she took at whatever school she attended and “French – sounding” was the only reason for putting them into the story. Because if the former option is correct, two things would occur:

1. Philosophy raep
2. This book would get even lamer than it already is. And given its current quality, I’m pretty sure that would break the time – space continuum, since this multiverse cannot take any more lameness as it is.

Instead of arresting Assling’s nosy ass (you see what I did there? Haha. Gah! The tape holds, ahahaha), inspector Proust asks Assling to take a walk with him. Aw isn’t that awfully nice of him (no, it isn’t). He asks about Jim whom Assling excuses as being a stray she took in. He then asks her why she was in the apartment and she says she was there to take a look at the circle, which is when he brings up Amelie the prophetic clerk at an occult shop with clean windows, her visit to G&T and even remarks on how well she “fit in” with the local weirdo community, referring to her and Drake grinding genitals. Assling only then realizes he had her followed and she is oh so outraged about the fact. Any investigator would be an idiot to not to set his hounds on a serious murder suspect, so at least he is not a complete dolt. But since this is Assling we are talking about it’s, of course, outrageous and unacceptable.

They talk more, turns out he is not suspecting her, surprisingly not because she doesn’t look like a killer, a basic telltale sign of a murderer in this book, but in a rare display of reason because the time frame doesn’t fit. He then asks Assling about the circle, they talk about demons and inspector Proust has a suspicious interest and knowledge in all things supernatural, which is not at all suspicious or foreshadowing of his future involvement in the plot.

He snuffs his cigarette (since, as we all know, everybody in France is a smoker), does something called a “Gallic shrug” which I have no idea what it looks like and he leaves.

Assling then really, really wants to find Drake’s house, or as she calls it, “Drake’s lair” – oh please – doing which, Jim suggests, would be fastest if she used a phone book. Assling brushes it off with “dragons don’t need phone books” because it’s stupid. But what do you know, Drake’s number and address is there when she actually bothers to check.

So she calls Rene and they decide where are they meeting. Beforehand, she warns Jim to act like a dog in front of other people for what seems the millionth time.

They get in the taxi and – surprise surprise – Jim reveals himself the first chance he gets. Rene reacts by “Are you a ventriloquist or what?” which is actually him playing into her game since she could excuse all of the following bullshit by simply saying “yes” to this question. But no, she says Jim is a demon and that’s that. Gee, the weather is looking pretty nice today, isn’t it?

But all in all Rene takes the whole “there is a demon in a form of an annoying talking dog in my car” pretty well and he joyfully agrees to lose the police that may be following Assling. Which, if you have ever seen a single action movie, means that he starts going really, really fast through the streets of Paris.

Way to attract some unwanted attention onto yourself.

Also, I have been to Paris. Their traffic police is among the most anal police forces in Europe, which, considering you also have the Germans in the mix, is pretty terrifying. If you go as much as 5 km/h over the limit, they will END you.

After that I closed my eyes, deciding it was really better if didn’t see how close to death I was with each spin of the steering wheel. I clung to the armrest, saying, “I’m really sorry you. had to learn about Jim this way, Rene. I hope it doesn’t shake you up too much. I’m kind of stuck with having a dog until I can send it back.”

She should be more disturbed that he did not throw her out of the car the second she mentioned Jim was a demon. Also – stop whining about his driving. It was your fucking idea. Besides, if this were real world, you would already have half the inspectorate on your tail.

“Non.” I opened my eyes long enough to see in the rearview mirror as Rene pursed his lips. He took a deep breath, flipped off another taxi driver who swerved into our lane, and finally said, “It is not the deal big. You have a dog who is also a little devil, eh, me, I do not mind.”

“That’s remarkably accepting of you. It took me hours to get to the point you’re at after just a few minutes.”

Hours? You had zero emotional response! I am pretty sure you are just a severely malfunctioning android, judging the range of your emotional reactions. An android who was built as a sex bot.

“I’m French,” Rene said with another shrug. “We are superior, yes?”

I would headdesk right now, but thanks to you, Katie MacAlister I NOW HAVE NO DESK TO BASH MY HEAD AGAINST!!! DAMN YOOOOU!!!!!

After that the merry trio arrives at Chez Drake. And, just as its owner, the building too is, of course, absolutely fabulous (okay, okay, I will try to keep the gay jokes to a minimum. But it’s so easy):

“Um,” I said, looking at the courtyard. A private courtyard, one with a fountain. If I thought Mme. Deauxville’s building said expensive, this one screamed millionaire.

Uhh… what is it that Drake does, again? Oh I forgot – NOTHING. Because as the law of crappy romance novels dictates, every handsome man has a shit ton of money he earned by… being handsome.

Rene then decides to break into the manor of one of the richest and probably most powerful men in Paris with Assling and her talking dog sidekick. Because… that’s what the French do, apparently!

Also, he is still horribly unfazed at the whole “demon in the form of a talking dog” situation. Was him accusing Assling of being a ventriloquist really all the response we get from him, a rational, mentally balanced man? Seriously?

But back to the plot, or the plot – resembling atrocity we get instead.

They get to main door, but that’s – gasp! – locked. How do they go in?

MAGIC CREDIT CARD!!!

I don’t think that needs any further elaboration. Just sit back and let that sink in for a while.

They wander around the not-at-all-suspiciously empty house, Assling remarks on the furniture which is, just as everything that has ever come in contact with Drake, absolutely amazing and expensive. Aaaand we get a description of Drake’s bedroom where the fabulousness reaches a screaming climax. No, seriously, she feels all tingly just looking about his bedroom:

I followed Rene and Jim into a bedroom decorated with an Oriental theme, all black lacquer and bright blues, greens, and golds. I was positive it was Drake’s bedroom, which gave me an odd thrill as I looked around. The room was absolutely breathtaking, but not as breathtaking as the view seen from the terrace a solid wall of windows overlooked.

I may require a vomit bucket.

So after climbing all the way upstairs and not finding the golden dragon statue, they go back downstairs. And they didn’t think of investigating downstairs when they first entered becauseeee… Oh, I’m trying to bring this silly little thing called “logic” into this again. Sorry.

They get down to the storeroom and Assling remarks that a “man who had hundreds of years to learn basic security would be a more careful about his priceless objects.”

Hmm… there is an internet meme for this sort of thing. What is it? Oh yes:

Assling then says this:

Two things should have become readily apparent to you by now: First, I’m not the brightest bulb in the pack when it comes to obvious things, and second … well, it’s the same as the first.

Priceless. I love when authors are calling their own bullshit.

Jim barks, they go in, there is a ton of outrageously expensive stuff in the room, Jim barks some more, Assling finds her dragon, Jim barks again – and you know what? Why isn’t Assling noticing this? Before she told Jim to keep an eye out and let her know if anybody was approaching. Why does she disregard this most apparent multiple notification of an unwanted presence? And when she acknowledges him, only in irritation at his barking? Because then Drake wouldn’t have his grand entrance!

“Jim, what’s your problem?” I asked as I reached out to open the glass-fronted door.

“I think perhaps I am the problem,” a smooth, silky, extremely sexy voice said behind us.

Please, don’t forget to put “sexy” everywhere every time Drake does something, regardless of the context of the situation. We just can’t get enough o fit.

“Oh, crap,” I swore, letting my hand drop.

“You are in France. The correct word is merde,” Rene corrected gently.

“Sorry. Merde.” I turned to face Drake, trying to summon an innocent smile, not that it would do me any good. It didn’t. The expression on his face left me wishing I’d taken my chances with the Venediger.

I was having fun with this at the start, but now I’m just pissed. And somehow drained of all energy. Meh. See you in the next chapter.
that it would do me any good. It didn’t. The expression on his face left me wishing I’d taken my chances with the Venediger.

I was having fun with this at the start, but now I’m just pissed. And somehow drained of all energy. Meh. See you in the next chapter.

Thank you for reading,

falconempress

Tagged as Falconempress, Paranormal Romance, Spork, You Slay Me.

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