Written by Falconempress. Posted on May 17, 12:23 PM.

"You Slay Me" Spork - Chapter 9

This chapter is a little bit more bearable. Mostly because it doesn’t have Drake, and therefore the inevitable genital grinding that always ensues when Drake is around, in it.

After her last fiasco with Drake and her failure to reclaim the golden dragon statue due to the horrors of BROOMS! Assling is kinda screwed. And she needs to figure something out to get herself out of her unfortunate predicament, something that would get her some leverage over Drake. So she goes to the only place in Paris she knows, to the creepy occult shop with washed windows and a homey owner (what? That is creepy by occult shop standards).

Upon seeing the store, Jim remarks that it looks like a “reject from a Harry Potter knockoff.” Ugh. Can somebody just shoot the dog already?

But that’s not all. Apparently, Jim, being a demon, knows Harry Potter pretty well:

“Shh! Don’t be so rude—Amelie will hear you.” I glanced quickly around the room, grateful that Amelie wasn’t present to be insulted by my demon. I unsnapped the leash and made squinty eyes at Jim. “And just what do you know about Harry Potter?”

“Oh, Harry’s very big in Abaddon. Is that cat’s toes I see over there?”

Whaaa…? That’s random. What is it supposed to mean, anyways? Are you trying to make a point MacAlister? On one hand, that would not surprise me, seeing as the harshest swearword used in this book is “poop” – you may argue that Assling said “merde” before, but, as we all know, swearing in foreign language does not count as swearing because those pesky French are all vulgar anyways.

I want to break something. Wow, that was fast.

And if she is trying to make a point, isn’t it a bit hypocritical to criticize a book that has absolutely nothing to do with demonolgy when you yourself has written one in which the subject is ALL OVER THE PLACE? And by “a bit hypocritical”, I of course mean, the Lord of all Hypocrites. I am sorry, MacAlister, you lost your morality cards the second you had Assling and Drake hump the living daylights out of each other at every chance they can get and when you AFTERWARDS tried to paint Assling as this paramount of chastity. So not only you are a hypocrite but also a fucking asshat for criticising, or even remarking on, books vastly superior to this vile literary vomit. STOP IT.

Is it just me or is there gradually more and more Caps abuse in these sporks? Hmm…

But sadly Jim is not done with torturing the readers because he gets the hots for Amelie’s corgi Cecile and promptly starts spewing out one outdated, disturbing and never-used-in-real-life catchphrases after another with the cadence of a Russian minigun:

“Yeah, hi, whatever, I’m not allowed to speak unless Her Holiness there permits me…. Fires of Abaddon! Baby, baby, baby!” Jim’s eyes almost bugged out of its furry black head as Cecile waddled into the room. Jim did an odd little shimmy toward the surprised-looking Corgi. “Are you one hot mama, or what? Hey, baby, who’s your daddy?”

Would somebody PLEASE kill the fucking dog?

“Oh, god,” I said, slumping down onto one of the stools that sat next to the long counter.

For once, Assling and I are in agreement.

Amelie looked from the dogs to me. “I do not understand—the demon named Jim wishes to know who Cecile’s sire is?”

You see, it’s funny, because she’s French and she doesn’t understand lame American catchphrases, haha, haha… please somebody make the stupid stop, just make it eeeeeend.

What is the point of this? Did MacAlister thought “You know what else is funny? Mocking other cultures just because they are not us?” As somebody who during her stay in the States did find herself on the receiving end of such mockery I can only say one thing: you, MacAlister are a horrible, horrible human being. I hate you. Oh and there was this one more thing. What was it? Oh yes.

FUCK YOU VERY MUCH

Thank you for that, Jack Nicholson, my loyal sidekick.

Let’s just ignore the dogs for now. Amelie and Assling talk about how the police turned u pat G&T looking for our one and only Assling, which for some reason pissed off the Venediger and he put a word out that she is supposed to see him STAT willingly or not. Assling freaks out briefly, spills coffee everywhere and asks Amelie whether she is going to turn her in. Amelie shrugs it off with “I am a healer, not a mage, I use a very different kind of magic, so Venediger has no power over me”. Which to me sounds like an awfully inefficient, albeit plot – convenient arrangement. I thought Venediger was in charge of all magic – folk in France, not just the ones with a particular set of skills. And if his job as the Venediger is to protect the magical population of France, doesn’t excluding some people based on “your magic is not exactly the same as mine” make his job even harder and thus put everybody else in jeopardy? Just seems to me like an awfully dysfunctional setup is all.

They talk about the murdered woman hanging from the chandelier from Chapter 1. Turns out she was a wannabe mage, and it sounds like quite an annoying wannabe at that – kind of like those people who play way too much World of Warcraft and go around the internetz spouting “I am a shaman!”. The difference between those losers and her what that she had money, so everybody was cool with her hanging around because she was filthy rich.

“Really? I thought… I assumed … I mean, if you’ve got the sort of power that can call up demons and cast spells and stuff, I’m surprised you’d be swayed by something so mundane as money.”

Seems to me somebody needs a reality check.

She laughed, her eyes crinkling in delight. “There are very few wealthy inhabitants of I’au-delct. Only the very oldest immortals are what you would call rich, and that is because they have had time to accrue their wealth over the centuries, rather than because of their powers.”

Accumulated wealth HOW? No matter how ancient or powerful you are, if you don’t move a finger, money is not going to just fall into your lap. I love how she never says that they gain their money by working or being productive members of the society, no. Just like Drake, they have money because… they are there, I guess. And if the others happen to be anything like Drake, they make their living by being sexy or something. So remember kids, as long as you are attractive and/or born into a powerful family, you won’t have to do anything other than sit on your ass and count the greens all day long. Go you!

They talk about how Drake is somehow involved in the whole thing as well, which is when Amelie decides to give Assling something that could supposedly help her:

I stared down at the green jade dragon. It was about three inches tall, highly stylized, obviously Oriental in origin, the curved tail of the dragon forming a figure eight around the body. Touches of gold on the head and body and tip of the tail made the piece glow with a brilliance that isn’t usual in jade. “What is it?”

YOU JUST DESCRIBED IT. It’s a bloody dragon pendant you stupid twit.

But of course it’s not just any of your boring, normal, non – mysterious and non – magical jade dragon pendants, no, this one is Speshul™:

“It’s a talisman. Its provenance is unclear, but I believe it was created by one of the dragon septs, possibly the green dragons.”

Guh.

And upon seeing a piece of jewelry, Assling reacts like any woman would react upon seeing a pretty little bijou – her brain shuts down with the only thing she is capable to process being “OMG SPARKLY”:

“It’s so pretty,” I cooed, wanting like mad to touch the beautiful dragon. My fingers positively itched to feel it.

So she touches it and it feels warm under her fingers, not cold like it would normally feel because it’s all magical and special and OKAY WE GET IT. THIS PENDANT IS SOMEHOW IMPORTANT. YOU CAN STOP RUBBING OUR NOSES IN IT MACALISTER.

Gee, I wonder what Drake’s reaction will be when he sees it. I have been rolling my eyes so much it’s a wonder they haven’t fallen out of my sockets already.

I looked at the green dragon. It felt… vibrant. As if it had its own energy. It hummed silently in my hand.

It’s magic, we know, SHUT UP. Also, how does a pendant “hum”?

Amelie gives her the pendant, but Assling, being the lovable humble girl we all come to know and love, refuses to accept such a gift since it’s obviously quite pricy and she would feel guilty taking it just like that. She has to be convinced to take it and only when Amelie nearly forces the pendant on her, she reluctantly accepts it.

“Thank you,” I said as graciously as I could, slipping the chain over my head. The talisman hung between my breasts, a warm, oddly comforting weight.

Heh, I know a different green dragon who was there just now.

slap

Ouch.

Okay, okay, I’m going to stop. My subconscious slapping me helps.

Now that this is done they FINALLY get around to discussing whatever it is Assling came all the way her to discuss – Drake’s weaknesses. The answer is very disappointing – there are none. Who’d have thunk it. But if Assling really wants to get his balls on an anvil that badly, she should probably talk to the Venediger. But before she does that, she has to get rid of Jim, since he is apparently no use and send him back to hell. Oh but something is telling me its not going to be that easy. Whatever hilarious hijinks will ensue?

“No, time to go to the hotel and send you back to your fiery little home.”

Jim sat and gave me an odd look. “You can’t send me back. I told you that you were my master now.”

I snapped the leash on its collar. “Yes, I know. I’m your master because I summoned you, but you belong to Amaymon, so it’s back you go.”

“Geez, what do I need to do, use semaphore? I told you I was unclaimed.”

Amelie sucked in her breath, and with that sound I had the first inkling that something else was about to go very, very wrong with my life.

I smell hilarity is on its way.

“You said that Amaymon kicked you out of his legions, but that he’d take you back in a bit,” I said slowly. With much portent.

Jim made a face. “Yes, but before that could happen, you summoned me. You bound me to you. That means you’re my master now.”

Whatever that was supposed to mean? Almost there! Wait for the hilaaaaarious punchline!

“It can’t do that, can it?” I asked Amelie with more than a little bit of desperation evident in my voice. “It can’t refuse to go back? All I have to do is conduct the ritual, and it’s gone, right?”

Why are you asking? You are the demon expert here. You know, the one READING ALL THOSE MEDIEVAL SCRIPTURES IN YOUR FREE TIME. Seriously, if you really are that well read in all things demonic, the second Jim informed you that he was kicked out of his former legion and is therefore unaligned, you should have made your best OH SHIIII- face and flip out THEN. The inconsistencies here are jarring.

My heart joined my stomach as it turned to a leaden ball and promptly dropped to my feet. “Oh, god. This means … This means I’m …”

“Yes,” Amelie nodded gravely. “You are now officially a demon lord.”

Bada – boom!

cue obnoxious punk rock trailer music

“Assling Grey thought she had her life figured out. She had a job working for her uncle and enough time to spend on her hobbies – studying medieval scriptures on demonology, practicing lockpicking and martial arts. But then one day she got one assignment which sent her life spiraling out of control – she met a dashing and positively humpable Drake Vireo who seemed to be much more than he let on, realized she was a guardian and became a demon lord to boot! But soon Assling will figure out that being all those things is not as easy as it seems. Don’t miss the movie event of the season! Rob Schneider IS Assling Grey, Guardian. Rated PG – 13.”

“You are the only Guardian in existence who is also a wyvern’s mate and a demon lord.”

I am sure there is a word for that.

Yes. That. What? Did you think I was going to descend into profanity? To be honest, I don’t care anymore. Oh who am I kidding I do this is so stupid how could this exist how could this be real how HOW HOOOOOOW?!

So she goes to talk to the Venediger, rings the bell and the door is opened by a chick who looks like this:

She doesn’t want to let her in at first because “the Venediger is meditating and absolutely nobody can disturb him when he is meditating, under no conceivable circumstances.” And no, that is not the quote from the book, but it’s basically what the tone in which the dominatrix says “Venediger is meditating and he cannot be disturbed”. Which, of course, is thrown into the wind immediately after Assling introduces herself, after which the dominatrix promptly shits bricks and lets her in.

Assling, being the dear that she is, tries to be friendly with the dominatrix and asks her name, which the dominatrix refuses to tell her because “names hold power” or some other contrived shit like that, just roll with it.

I am watching you, MacAlister. Always watching. If you try to rip off the Earthsea magic system, your ass will be so dead.

The dominatrix then ushers her to Venedigers garden which is walled and and fortified as if he expected Ze Germans to descend upon him any second. This is set up so that the upcoming reveal is even more shocking:

I stood in the open doorway, my hand still raised to knock as I gazed inside. Evidently there were skylights, because the closed gazebo was filled with light shining down in beautiful golden beams.

Light that caressed the figure of a man hanging upside down.

Light that shone off the highly polished handle of the seax that had been plunged into the man’s chest.

Light that glinted off the blood pooled below, captured in the black-etched symbols of Ashtaroth.

To give credit where credit is due, these few sentences I actually find pretty well – written. Repetition with slight alteration to emphasize the situation – not too bad. But this is a Katie MacAlister book, so this teeny little glimmer of decency is nothing compared to the flood of awfulness surrounding it.

Jim pushed against my leg to peer inside. “Well, now, there’s a sight you don’t see every day.”

Heh, actually seeing this is Assling we are talking about here I would say yes, that is a sight you see every day.

To end the chapter, Assling repeats all the random totally not profane phrases and insults she has learned so far, Jim adds something “wise – ass” and we are done, it’s over and I need my chocolate now.

thank you for reading,

falconempress

Tagged as Falconempress, Paranormal Romance, Spork, You Slay Me.

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