Written by Falconempress. Posted on May 24, 04:56 PM.

"You Slay Me" Spork - Chapter 11

“Say what you will about you—and I can say a lot, despite having known you for only a couple of days—you really have a fabulous house. Is this all stuff you’ve stolen over the years?”

Uhm, guys? Are we going to talk about the whole slaughtering children as an offering to TEH DEVIL thing at all? Because by the end of the last chapter you kinda made it sound like a big deal.

Drake shrugged as I set a lovely Grecian bowl back onto its pedestal. I took the shrug to mean yes.

No? Not in the slightest?

The room he called his library could have doubled for a museum, so full of antiquities was it.

Oh all right. Nevermind then. Let’s look at the shineys! Yay! Oh wow, those draperies would look simply MAGNIFICENT in my imaginary kitchen.

It gave me an odd feeling to know that he was old enough to have seen most of the objects when they were new.

Yeaaaah, I am no puritan and very open – minded, I think (or at least I like to think, haha) on the whole age gap thing but if the age of your boyfriend/occasional rapist is approaching that of historical artifacts in a museum, I think you may want to rethink your relationship.

Turns out Drake is 389 years old. Who’d have thunk it.

I smiled at the outraged expression on his face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend. You’re right—you don’t look that old. I’m surprised that you’re so young, though. You’re just a widdle bitty baby dwagon, aren’t you?”

This woman. She is giving me the kinds of headaches that can only be curable by hard liquor.

They say that Jim is away with members of Drake’s sept – and I still have a problem with the name. Why use “sept”? Why not “species/type/kind” instead? Or even “family” if you are that hard – pressed to come up with something to call them. But “sept”? Oh I get it. If you used “species/type/kind”, it would sound very much like a term referring to an animal and you want to disconnect the dragons here from anything remotely animalistic, MacAlister. Because otherwise it would be bestiality. So you went for an obscure term. It would be a pretty smart move, to tell the truth, if only “sept” didn’t sound so stupid. And vaguely middle – ages Christian for some reason. Am I the only one here who gets this vibe?

But at least Jim is FINALLY sent away, thank the gods. Hopefully never to be seen again.

Anyways.

Drake and Assling seat themselves on a “chocolate colored leather sofa” (seriously, what is it with about leather sofas? The things are so uncomfortable, not to mention how they get in the summer). Surprisingly enough, they do not proceed to suck face. Instead they talk and to spare you the unimportant banter, here is what we learn:

- Drake did not eat any virgins. He accepted bling as offerings instead. I’m sorry, but there is something that needs to be said about this:

- Assling likes to pinch people. A LOT.

- the Venediger hired Drake to steal the aquamanile, but when he got there the woman was already dead

- Assling can channel fire because she is Drake’s mate. What? ANOTHER special ability? This is getting ridiculous.

- the Dead Woman From Chapter One was Venediger’s rival, so he could not just buy the golden dragon statue thing from her because she would never sell it to him

- whoever has all three artifacts and enough children to slaughter in order to get powers of TEH DEVIL will be so powerful they would rule the world. Wheee! Another “we must get over our quirky differences in order to save the world, during the course of which we will fall in love” type story. And there I was thinking that if I never read one of those again it would be too soon.

The entire exchange is interlaced with them touching…bodyparts and things. It almost seems like there are two lines of thought in this dialogue – one is them talking, trying to figure out what is going on and making sense of it in all seriousness, the other is like something lifted up from a softcore porn paperback.

Not that I read many of those.

Anyways.

The whole passage therefore feels horribly disjointed as it keeps constantly switching between the two quite different styles.

“We really need to figure this out!”

“Damn you have cute earlobes! Let me lick them!” (she does not actually lick his earlobes, but in the book, she actually does remark on their cuteness. How can earlobes be “cute”?)

“This is a matter of life and death! The whole world is in danger!”

“MOTORBOAT!!! BRRRRRRRRRR!”

Flip – flop – flip – flop.

Just make up your mind, MacAlister, GEEZ!

The bi – polar disorder suffering conversation ends with Drake declaring that he is hungry, so the queries end, even though Assling explicitly states she is not done asking questions and protests against this. But Drake uses his charm and so they are done. He takes her upstairs, where he has a change of clothes for her.

Or so he claims.

wink wink nudge nudge

Nah, it’s really just clothes. And a huge frickin bedroom with a huge frickin bed, all lavishly decorated, of course.

he flung open the door to a room I hadn’t visited earlier. The room was decorated in varying shades of blue and gold. On a very comfortable looking bedspread with a lapis-colored satin cover a variety of women’s clothing had been placed.

I am no decorator, but that sounds like a pretty tasteless theme to me.

Drake actually offers Assling sanctuary, since she cannot go to the hotel due to the cops being all over her case, especially after that little “incindent” at the Venediger’s. There is pretty much a huge manhunt for Assling’s ass and there she has nowhere to hide, with the exception of the painfully obvious love – interest’s luxurious abode. Aw poor widdle Assling. Don’t you just feel so sorry for her?

There is an intercom panel by the door, so if she needs anything she can call Drake. Then she remembers something about a close circuit camera system all over the house and what do you know – there is a little camera in Assling’s room as well.

Eeeeew, Drake likes to waaaatch. Assling, I really think you should get outta there as fast as you can. Because all things considered, even a lobotomized brain – dead planaria such as yourself can surely do much better for herself than this creep. Run, Assling, run!

Drake laughed and put his hands on my hips, turning me to face him. “If I wanted to see you undress—and I’ll admit, it’s a thought that gives me pause—I wouldn’t have to resort to using a camera to do so.”

On the other hand, he does have a point – if he wants Assling to take her clothes off he only needs to look at her and off go her panties.

Nevermind that then. These two deserve each other.

Yuk.

Giving in to Assling’s demands, he disables the camera by pressing a green button on the intercom panel.

Wait, what?

The camera is disabled by pressing a button on the intercom panel, which is freely accessible by anybody in the room.

If you are making this look dignified and efficient, you know you are in trouble.

Do you have the slightest idea about what this mysterious “security surveillance system” thing is and what it does, MacAlister? Having a system of security cameras that can be disabled by just about anybody is not really a security system at all. Because that kind of defeats the very purpose of a security system. How dense are you? How do you get away with something like that? Didn’t that thought occur to your “witty editor”? Oh go to hell the both of you.

Mr. Hat approves.

Oh wow, do you remember South Park? Back when it was still strange, goofy – looking, funny and filled with gratuitious profanity, as opposed to CGI overload wannabe smart social commentary it is today? Those were the days…

Oops, sorry, got a bit backtracked there. I guess that my subconscious is doing all it can to prevent me from reading this further. But there is not much left, so let’s get it over with so I can go and watch old South Park episodes.

For a moment his eyes were filled with longing, and I knew he was absolutely right. If we weren’t both making the effort to keep our desires safely leashed, we’d be rolling around that big bed of his at that very moment. “Don’t be too long. I’m very—” His gaze roamed over me. “—hungry.”

Big hand, ladies and gentlemen, for the least subtle sexual advance in history of literature! One has to actively try to write something this godawful and MacAlister truly excels! Give it up for Katie MacAlister and You Slay Me! Come on!

After that Drake leaves and Assling goes to shower. After she throws a towel over the disabled camera.

Heh.

I have to admit, this actually did get a chuckle out of me. BUT THAT MEANS NOTHING!

And this is where the chapter ends. Yay!

Thank you for reading,

falconempress

Tagged as Falconempress, Paranormal Romance, Spork, You Slay Me.

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