"You Slay Me" Spork - Chapter 12 Part 1
A cold, wet nose rubbed against my cheek, dragging me from a very erotic, very detailed dream involving Drake, me, and a container of yogurt. Lemon yogurt. My favorite, especially when consumed in the manner Drake was feeding it to me.
You need professional help. NOW.
The cold wet nose belongs to Jim, of course. Turns out Assling has ordered him to stay in her room in order to protect herself from Drake in case he would want to come in and make her forget her chastity. It doesn’t say in those exact words, but the term “chastity” really is there in the book.
Chastity.
In connection to Assling, a woman who cannot help creaming herself at the very sight of the man in question, who has no problems with rape or inconsensual groping as long as it is that very man doing it to her.
WHILE she is having disturbing dreams about the very person who did things to her that are so vile, so revolting and outright wrong I am not even going to discuss them any further.
God – fucking – dammit, MacAlister.
I didn’t beg you, I commanded, and the only reason I commanded was because Drake kept trying to seduce me last night.”
“Really? I didn’t see that. He didn’t even touch you after dinner.”
I blushed. It hadn’t been an easy thing to sleep in the same house as Drake, knowing his lovely, warm, enticing body was sleeping just down the hall from me. “He didn’t have to. He just sat there oozing sensuality at me, the rat fink.
See? Exactly my point.
Just make up your fucking mind, MacAlister.
Besides, I figured it was safer for everyone if you spent the night here. Istvan was ready to gut you after you tried mating with his leg. What on earth possessed you to do that?”
Jim looked over my shoulder, a mildly embarrassed look on its face. “I wanted to find out if it was as good as I thought it would be.”
I wouldn’t ask, I wouldn’t ask….
“It was,” Jim said.
“Right, I’ve heard enough. Now I feel all icky,” I said, climbing out of bed. “I’m going to take a shower
Which is precisely what I need right now.
Assling walks the fucking dog and changes. Simple enough of a sentence, right? Well, in the book it takes a few pages. Because why not. And also, we cannot skim on that much – needed comic relief from Jim, can we? Well I am. I do value whatever is left of my sanity.
She hides the pendant thing she now calls “lodestone” for some reason in her bra again, only this time only after she cuts an opening in the lining and slides it in.
The stone was so flat, it couldn’t be seen, although I had no doubt that should Drake’s hand go awandering, he’d feel the large round stone instantly.
What was it bout Assling being chaste? Because I could have sworn I read something like that earlier IN THIS VERY CHAPTER. Have you no shame, MacAlister?
“I’ll just have to make sure there’s no touchy-feely business going on, that’s all,” I said to myself as I did a twirl in front of the steamy bathroom mirror.
Oh she twirls. Of course she does. Excuse me, I think there is still some moonshine left from the last time. Oooh, what do you know?
takes a swig
There. That’s much better.
Jim comes back and he is suddenly so serious and so worried it scares Assling. At first she thinks it’s the cops coming after her, but that is not the case and Jim refuses to tell her what is actually going on – he only pushes her towards the room. I know that MacAlister is trying to go for suspense here, but it falls flat on its face and instead of suspenseful its only annoying and after about two sentences you find yourself screaming “For crying out loud, just GET ON WITH IT!”
sobs
I wish I could watch The Holy Grail insteaaaaad!
takes a swig
Oh well.
The room is the communication center. Yes, that’s what she actually calls it. Not “surveillance room” or anything, well, reasonable. Communication center. And how do we know it’s a communication center? Because there are screens and computers and wires everywhere, of course. Just – go with it. What is also there is a demon.
It looked like a man, a rather handsome man with high cheekbones and elegantly coiffed blond hair. It even had a tiny, discreet earring.
Really? An earring? Nice hairdo? Is every single male here, regardless of species, going to be objectified in this book? This is… guh.
drinks
She asks what the demons name is and of course he says nothing. Even Jim cant tell her anything because of this convenient rule that demons cannot name each other for some reason. However, he can giver her a hint.
Not exactly a foolproof system you got there.
The demon is Bafamal, the one Assling’s been chasing all this time.
Bafamal? What was it doing here in Drake’s house… ? The penny dropped. I stared in horror at the blond demon as all the pieces came together in my mind with one solid whomp.
Whomp would actually sound much better as a sound that you get upon the connection of a baseball bat to Assling’s skull.
And glorious times will be had by all.
She assumes that despite everything she has been told up to this point, it was Drake who summoned the demon and therefore killed the Dead Woman From Chapter One and the Venediger, without so much as pondering any other possibility. She arrives at this conclusion, eliminating any other option, without any proof supporting this theory. I am not defending Drake here on anything, but there are so many reasons why Bafamal is at Drake’s – like his master sent him there to do something for them. Did that occur to you, airhead? Of course not.
I turned back to Jim. “Is there any way I can get rid of a demon I haven’t summoned?”
You tell me. You are the demon expert here.
“Sure. You draw a circle, say the words, and poof! He goes up in smoke.”
“Words, what words?” I asked, wringing my hands.
Again, you are the one who studies medieval scriptures on demonology.
‘To send the demon back, you need its twelve words, the ones ruling it.”
You are worthless, Assling. Why does a demonology expert need a DOG to tell her these things? Also, there is a powerful – ass demon in the room, maybe you want to pick a different time for your pointless infodumping? Like ANY OTHER TIME would be more suitable to do this than IN THE MIDDLE OF ACTION, or in the middle of what passes for action in a Katie MacAlister book anyways. But you get my point.
“If you think I’m going to stand here and allow this Guardian to send me back without breaking her neck, you’re as crazy as she is,” Bafamal said to Jim.
Exactly! Thank you. Now go break her neck, Bafamal, end this horror! Do it! DO IT NAO!!!!
Sadly, that does not happen, Assling sends some dragon fire at the demon which immediately catches on fire which I find somewhat odd because I though that having come from the fiery pits of hell, a demon hide would be fireproof.
“That shiny material sure does burn,” Jim commented from the hallway as inside the room the demon shrieked, spinning in a circle, frantically trying to beat out the fire that erupted all over its body.
Not as well as your furry hide will burn once I get my hands on you, MAHAHAHA!!!
Huh. I think that the booze is working.
“Quickly,” I said, running to Jim. “Where do I find the twelve words?”
Again – a demonology expert, ladies and gentlemen.
Pointless exposition filled with information you don’t need to or want to know follows, explaining how demon words work or something. I love how they chat and forget the demon completely. Bafamal is kind of an idiot, actually. He just dances there, trying to put himself out when he could be trying to make his escape, since he was obviously busted or killing the two of them – ripping them to pieces, slicing, tearing flesh and sinew, the cracking of bones, the sweet smell of blood and the sound of it dripping…drip…drip…drip…
Sorry, I lost myself in daydreams a little bit.
But no, Bafamal just stays there and prances like a jackass while the two of them plan to send his ass back to hell. And as for the fire – you are a fucking demon, dammit, have some balls! It’s just a little fire! Or are you worried about your Armani suit? Although that would not surprise me.
sigh
Long story short, Jim offers his help and agrees to tell Assling the words that she needs to send Bafamal back. Which, conveniently, is not in violation with the no – names demon rule.
This thing has more holes in it than Swiss cheese.
Upon hearing this, Assling is… happy.
I grabbed Jim’s furry head and kissed its muzzle, jumping back into the room to search for a felt pen I could use to draw a circle on the cream-colored rug that graced the middle of a highly polished wooden floor.
blinks
rubs eyes
takes a bunch of long, strong draughts from the bottle of moonshine liquor
Good, I can feel the synapses dying as I am typing this. With any luck, I will have no recollection of this ever happening by the time I am done with this.
giggles
Recollection is a funny word.
giggles giggles
I think… I think… hahaha, Im not thinking aaaaaanyting, hahaha. I have – I have – I have a picture box!
hiccups
Is pretty.
Has colors.
I wonder if I have colors as well.
hiccups
giggles
Colors is a funny word.
passes out
Tagged as Falconempress, Paranormal Romance, Spork, You Slay Me.Comment
By dragonarya
on May 30, 04:46 PM
You need professional help. NOW.
Before this is over, so will we.
sobs
I wish I could watch The Holy Grail insteaaaaad!
takes a swig
Oh well.
My sentiments exactly! glugs half a bottle
Whomp would actually sound much better as a sound that you get upon the connection of a baseball bat to Assling’s skull.
And glorious times will be had by all.
And the Anti-fandom and the sporkers will rejoice! drinks again as harsh reality kicks painfully in once more
Good, I can feel the synapses dying as I am typing this. With any luck, I will have no recollection of this ever happening by the time I am done with this.
raises her own bottle Cheers!
By Charlotte
on May 30, 10:26 PM
Is this supposed to be the climax of the book? Or is there more stupidity to follow?
By falconempress
on May 31, 01:02 AM
@dragonarya – ahaha cheers to that!
@ Charlotte – the book has 20 chapters plus an epilogue, sooo… no. No, this is not the climax.
I am not crying
By Danielle
on Jun 1, 02:57 PM
This induces insanity. The kind of insanity that makes you want to sing!
sings Joy to the world
Aisling is dead!
We barbequed her head!
Don’t worry ‘bout the body
We flushed it down the potty
And round and round it goes
And round and round it goes
A-round, a-round, a-round it goes!
By Arska
on Jun 1, 09:27 PM
This thing has more holes in it than Swiss cheese.
I am the representative of Swiss cheese. They would like this removed for the derogatory nature of this comment on their delicious cheesy goodness, which they want removed from any possible content of this book. Also note, I represent Brie as well.
I grabbed Jim’s furry head and kissed its muzzle, jumping back into the room to search for a felt pen I could use to draw a circle on the cream-colored rug that graced the middle of a highly polished wooden floor.
Oh thank god. For a moment there I was worried she’d have sex with the dog as a reward for him being a good little demon. It’s probably coming next.
or killing the two of them – ripping them to pieces, slicing, tearing flesh and sinew, the cracking of bones, the sweet smell of blood and the sound of it dripping…drip…drip…drip…
POSSIBLE WAYS FOR ASSLING TO DIE
Completely realistic: A pencil or any sharp object shoved into the back of your head. That is where your brain stem resides. If it is severed, then you are dead.
Severe peanut allergy. It seems funny when the kids face is swelling like a friggin’ balloon. It’s not funny when that’s happening to their throat. However, this occuring to Assling would be pretty damn hilarious.
In one of those scary mock crashes trying to speak out against drunk driving- the ones Ohio is famous for. That sh-t’s hilarious, because invariably the girl comes back to life to tell us all about how she missed her prom or homecoming or some sh-t like that.
In a freak accident in which they are walking by a skyscraper under construction, and one of the workers drops a hammer. Then, with the velocity it would build from falling 100 stories down would be deadly- especially to the unfortunate passerby(cough Assling and Jim and Drake and Kate McAllister) whose head is the receptical of said hammer.
Jumping into a volcano. This guy thought it was just a funny dare. Yeah, tell that to the friends who found the bronze sandal the volcano spat back out. I’d suggest choosing the ‘truth’ the next time philosophers are playing truth and dare.
Pooping. No, I’m not sh-tting you. It’s deadly. You have diverticulitis in which infected blood sacs form in your colon and when they burst you get sh-t in your blood and blood in your sh-t.
“You got blood in my sh-t! No, you got sh-t in my blood!”
Eventually, and in worse-case hugely-overreacting senarios, you get raging infections and can die.
Rectal prolapse. Pretty much, your rectum ligaments are weakened and so your rectum falls out your ass. What is this caused by? Childbirth, age, anal sex, and straining while trying to poop- and straining a lot. Long term constipation and diarrhea also contribute. Pretty much: Don’t have a kid, strain to poop, don’t get old, don’t partake in orgies in which someone could slip something in your –ss, and kill yourself if you have prolonged constipation or diarrhea. No one wants Wikipedia to get pictures of this. Do it for the common good, if not for the fact that you don’t want to see your rectum in person. however, since this is assling, it’d be pretty damn ironic and hilarious. Also, the chances of her dying from it is low- there is a surgery to replace your rectum inside your ass, but still. It’s humorous to think about. I wish I could take credit for this one so bad, but alas, cracked.com is the mother of idea. I pretty much chewed it up and regurgitated it all with the Reese’s picture.
A bartend named Mummod Foli was killed by a bunch of gangsters for disagreeing with them. How did he die? They forced him to guzzle 27 liters of Coke Cola. I bet he was a Pepsi-sider in the Cola Wars.
Jack Daniel got blood poisoning. How? He kicked his safe and the infection started in his toe. Bob Marley, he was not.
Alexander the first got blood poisoning from an irate primate who bit him. Who said monkeys were cute and cuddly?
Molasses explosion. Don’t you dare tell the families of the Boston Molasses Disaster’s 21 dead victims molasses is tasty and vital to gingerbread men. THEY WILL KILL YOU.
William Kogut was the brainchild of one of the most epic suicides ever.
Sirkka Sari mistook a chimney for a balcony and went down it, instantly incinerating herself.
A man was once electrocuted by a live microphone.
Vincent Smith fell into a vat of hot Hershey’s chocolate while adding raw chocolate. Apparently someone was PMSing.
By SMARTALIENQT
on Jun 1, 11:57 PM
…I am speechless. No, seriously. “Oh me, oh my, I have read SO many demon texts, and yet I can’t remember the twelve words to send a demon back, because I am a helpless, helpless female Sue!”
If I wasn’t underage, I’d be drunk. Maybe if I chug enough Mountain Dew the sugar high will have the same effect?
By fffan
on Jun 2, 04:41 AM
‘“That shiny material sure does burn,” Jim commented from the hallway as inside the room the demon shrieked, spinning in a circle, frantically trying to beat out the fire that erupted all over its body.’
Please excuse my morbid sense of humour, but if Bahafafamal died that way, I would laugh.
‘The demon was rolling on the ground now, screaming as he tried to extiguish the flames. Assling and Jim watched, dumbfounded, as the demon rocked and rolled ‘till he could roll no more…’
Sounds like song lyrics by a seventh grader.
By falconempress
on Jun 3, 01:22 AM
@Arska – oh, so many beautiful, beautiful choices…
@SMARTALIENQT – one cant blame you for trying:P
@fffan – yeah, well, the writing is atrocious. Also, MacAlister is not that good a writer either:P
By Nate Winchester
on Jun 5, 04:12 PM
“Right, I’ve heard enough. Now I feel all icky,”
Understatement of the year!
The stone was so flat, it couldn’t be seen, although I had no doubt that should Drake’s hand go awandering, he’d feel the large round stone instantly.
He then rushed Assling to the hospital immediately and she had to endure several months of painful breast cancer treatment before it was all straightened out.
Really? An earring? Nice hairdo? Is every single male here, regardless of species, going to be objectified in this book? This is… guh.
When are women going to realize that we’re people too? Huh? I have a mind too you know! [sob]
I turned back to Jim. “Is there any way I can get rid of a demon I haven’t summoned?”
Where’s the Winchesters with a salt shotgun when you need them?
Again, you are the one who studies medieval scriptures on demonology.
But she didn’t actually believe in them. Man that still bugs me.
Like ANY OTHER TIME would be more suitable to do this than IN THE MIDDLE OF ACTION, or in the middle of what passes for action in a Katie MacAlister book anyways. But you get my point.
Man that always bugs me in works. You’ll notice in a certain fiction written by a certain Imp that the heroes wait to get to a safe place before info dumping.
Sadly, that does not happen, Assling sends some dragon fire at the demon which immediately catches on fire which I find somewhat odd because I though that having come from the fiery pits of hell, a demon hide would be fireproof.
Wait… where did Assling get dragon fire again? Is this the alcohol drink? I’m so confused.
I could use to draw a circle on the cream-colored rug that graced the middle of a highly polished wooden floor.
O_o … … Why isn’t it on fire?
By Emma
on Jan 6, 04:27 PM
@ Arska
You forgot Scaphism!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scaphism