Written by Falconempress. Posted on Jun 14, 09:33 PM.

"You Slay Me" Spork - Chapter 14 Part 1

Don’t you just love plot convenience? Don’t you simply adore strong, independent females that take no crap from nobody and kick some severe ass until the plot demands they be saved by the Designated Love Interest, which is when they inexplicably turn into whiny, useless and helpless Damsels In Distress, just because the Plot demands it? Isn’t that just the best?

“Hey!” I yelled, squirming out of the grasp of my captor for a second before he grabbed me again. “You left my dem … my dog outside! Let go of me! You can’t just drag me around like I’m a sack of potat—mmrf!”

The man, blond and muscle-bound and looking just like the surfer types my ex hung around with, clapped a hand over my mouth and hauled my struggling self into a small elevator.

Where are your sudden kung – fu skills now, huh? Not so tough now, are you?

The muscle – bound blond tosses her on a blue couch. And now enter the small, economic city vehicle that can hold a box of carrots AND you:

I sucked in my breath at the sight of him—Drake was handsome in a dark, sexy, seductive sort of way, but this man looked like a Greek statue come to life. Curly blond hair brushed his shoulders, pure blue eyes—a true blue, not a filtered blue like you see in most blue-eyed people—glittered brightly, adorning a face that was so beautiful, it almost made me want to weep. The rest of the man wasn’t bad, either, although I only had a chance to notice that he was a few inches taller than me before he glided forward with his hands outstretched.

Reminiscent of a Greek statue? Check. Ridiculous eye color? Check. The female heroine thinking he is too beautiful to be true and feels awed by his presence? Check aaaaand check.

Michelangelo just called – he wants horrible paranormal romance writers to stop abusing his masterpiece in their godawful wastes of paper.

But I have a question to you, dear reader – what color pops into your head when somebody tells you something was a real, undiluted blue color? Is it the color of the autumn sky? The color of the sea? The color blue, the most basic kind of blue, that you can find in MS Paint? Tourquise (I know, I know, that is technically not blue, but just go with it)?

The thing is that different people have different images popping into their heads when somebody says “blue”. Good writers at least try to narrow it down just a bit. You can hardly go wrong with “amber”, that’s a pretty distinct shade, but there are thousands upon thousands of shades of „pure blue“ and I am spending way too much time and space on this nonsense, so let me just say that this is a fail at description and that I am moving on.

Although, on the other hand, she could have gone to the other extreme and over – describe in horrible purple prose – Yes, yes shutting up.

“Cam, Renaldo did not hurt you? He did not know who you are. You must forgive his very poor manners. We have been in Paris too long; he begins to behave like a Frenchman.”

Oh you did not just say that. You did NOT just say that, MacAlister, I’m gonna –

“Actually, the Frenchmen I’ve met have all been extremely polite and very helpful, not to mention loaded with manners,” I said with great dignity, straightening my dress.

Gee, Assling, thank you. I guess. But that does not mean you are off my radar! I’m watching you.

Where Drake was all heat and smoldering sensuality, this man radiated coolness—literally. The apartment had that silent swish of air that indicated expensive air-conditioning, cold almost to the point of seeing your breath. I could imagine this man’s dragon fire was of the frigid variety, a blue fire that burned cold rather man hot.

Radiates coolness or cold? Check you very much.

This is fun!

But how can a fire burn cold? Its in the very nature of fire to be hot and burning. There are different types of breath weapons dragons can have, you know. Like freezing breath instead of fire. Or acid spit. Fire is not your only option, you don’t have to cling to it at all costs. Little thinking outside the box never hurt anybody, just saying.

He took my hands in his, kissing the back of each. Even his hands were cool to the touch. I assumed this was Fiat Blu, the wyvern of the blue dragons. He certainly oozed confidence and power… and I understood exactly why Ophelia had warned me against him. He looked like the very worst sort of rogue.

Why? What made him look like “the worst sort of rogue”? The fact that he has impeccable manners, albeit a certain dislike for the French? If being well – mannered makes him „the worst sort of rogue“, I shudder to think what would that make Drake.

More cold references! Yay!

Oooh, I know a game we could play! How about we take a shot each time Fiat’s (snicker) description makes him sound like Edward? How much are we on now? 1…2…looks like 5? 5 shots! Drink up!

I glanced quickly around the apartment. It was… blue. Everything in it was blue—the ceiling, the walls, the carpet, all the furniture. There were varying shades from midnight blue that was almost black to a pale washed blue that reminded me of an early spring morning. I turned my, attention back to the Adonis sitting next to me. “I take it you are Fiat Blu?”

Noooo. You think? Whatever tipped you off? The ease with which he can maneuver even through the worst of traffic jams?

And I am a bit confused on some of the details here. Are you saying the appartment is…blue? Because you did not make that completely clear.

headdesk

Why. What is the point? The author probably just thought „Oh look at me, I R so smart and all, that I’ll, like, have the blue dragon living in a place that is, like, COMPLETELY BLUE, like, EVERYHWERE! Because he is a blue dragon. Get it? GET IT?“

YES I DO WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE. I am surprised that she hasn’t had him listening to this all day long:

Subtlety really is not your forte, MacAlister.

The male character here is being called an “Adonis”, I almost forgot. You know what that means. Drink up!

But back to the story. Fiat (snicker) introduces himself and asks what he can help Assling with, addressing her as “the mate of his esteemed comrade, Drake Vireo”, after which she freaks out because he knows who she is. Which is something that did not surprise me in the slightest, since Ophelia explicitly said that the blue dragons are psychics. And yet Assling is so shocked – shocked! – that they could possibly know who she is.

I frowned. “How do you know who I am? And how do you know I’m Drake’s mate, not that I have any intention of fulfilling those duties even if I did believe I am who he says I am, but even if I was, how is it you know? Am I like marked somewhere? Is there a big red neon sign over my head saying ‘Wyvern’s Mate’ with an arrow pointing to my head? Did someone tattoo it on my forehead without me knowing it? How?”

“I will keep denying my affiliation with the aforementioned Drake, even when we are caught in bed together! And I will go about it in an endearing scatter – brained blabbering!”

So Fiat explains that since her mind was not shielded in any way, he took that as an invitation to rifle through her head. Something is telling me he was done very quickly with that.

And what do we get here, in the middle of a tense conversation and a possibly suspensful scene?

looks at the clock

INFODUMP TIME!

Seriously, how inept a writer do you have to be to do something like this? At this point, you have to be actively trying to be this bad and ruin the slightest bit of interest the reader may have in your… work. How do you get away with something like that? But I digress.

Fiat (snicker) explains what a mind guard is and Assling tries to put one up right away, but does not get it right the first time, what, to Fiat (snicker), is a cue to start touching her:

“No,” Fiat shook his head as he took my hand in his, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. His hands were so cool, they seemed to leach the heat from mine. “I can still get in because you have not sealed your mind from me.”

Is the cold – to – touch mind reader coming on to her? Drink!

But of course she gets it right the very next time and blocks him out of her head completely. Without any strain or any training. She blocks out the most powerful among the psychic dragon race. Withour so much as working up a bit of sweat. Yeeeaaaah, there is something I would like to tell the author:

And from now on, Katie MacAlister shall not be known as “author” anymore, but a !suethor”. For that is the title she rightfully deserves.

Thank you for reading,

falconempress

Tagged as Falconempress, Paranormal Romance, Spork, You Slay Me.

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