Written by Falconempress. Posted on Jun 27, 10:40 AM.

"You Slay Me" Spork - Chapter 16 Part 1

“Pardon me … Oh, holy merde” I said, getting a good look at whom I had careened into. For a moment I just stood in stunned surprise; then my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I turned to run.

Hmmm. Didn’t Assling say, at the very ending of the previous chapter, that the person she ran into was inspector Proust? Why is she here, at the beginning of the following chapter just realizing it? The thing about first – person POV is that you are supposed to be in the main character’s head – you are following their most intimate thoughts and, in this case unfortunately, emotions. Or instincts, because Assling seems incapable of something that can be called an “emotion”. My point is that she already identified this character – why is she doing so again?

Being a very strong suspect and a wanted person of interest to the French police, Inspector grabs Assling and politely asks her to talk to him. Assling observes that despite everything, she likes Inspector Proust, because he has been nothing but fair to her, all things considered. I have to say I like the Inspector as well, because he is just such a classy character and plus, he keeps chasing Assling around in order to lock her up. So yay for the Inspector!

Assling keeps repeating that she is innocent, that she didn’t kill anybody, that she knows who the real killer is and so on. She does admit to setting the Venediger’s German – repellent gazebo on fire. How she explains it? She was careless with her… matches.

Matches.

Have you ever seen a real fire, MacAlister? Who would believe that? Even a lobotomized chipmunk would laugh that off. Matches? Are you high?

But anyways, let’s just get to the police brutality, I have been waiting for it for far too long.

Of all the powers a Guardian had, there was only one that could do me any good in this situation. If I could figure out how to do a mind push on Inspector Proust, I might be able to get away from him and make it back to Rene.

No no no, no mind pushing. You are not getting out of this one so easily. I even brought my own canister of water and ropes.

I glanced at Inspector Proust from the corner of my eye. He lifted his free hand and gestured to someone, probably his driver parked down the street. It was now or never. “You want to let me go, don’t you?”

No, he doesn’t. He wants to take you to the basement at the police station and there let me have my way with you until you confess. See? Brought my own towel as well. Washed it and all.

rubs hands

Let’s get to it, shall we?

I curled my fingers into fists and opened the door in my head, ignoring the embers of Drake’s fire that always seemed to be there, instead picturing Inspector Proust releasing my arm. “You want to let me go. You don’t want to hold on to me. You know I’m innocent, so there is no reason why I should not just walk away.”

His brown eyes looked a bit wary. “Mademoiselle, are you unwell?”

She’s fine, Proust, just get her into the car so that we can go and have some fun, alright? Geez, what is taking you so long?

I took a deep breath, held the mental picture of Inspector Proust releasing me, and infusing my words with as much of my will as I could muster, said, “Let… me… go.”

What the hell are you doing? Stop!

Something gave, a barrier that was there, then was gone, and with its absence the pressure of Inspector Proust’s hand on my arm also disappeared.

NOOOO! Grab her, you useless excuse for a police officer!

I looked down, surprised the mind push worked. He wasn’t holding on to me. I took a step away, glancing up at him.

Heeeey there, AISLING. Why don’t you step into the car? For a friendly little chat? Look, I even have some candy here. You like candy, don’t you?

His eyes were a bit flat, as if he were thinking some deep thoughts. Ahead of me, a car approached. I took a few more steps away from Inspector Proust. He didn’t even blink.

But…but…the torture… Please? Pretty please? With very little permanent damage (cough cough)

“It works,”

OF COURSE it works! You’re a fucking Sue! Every single little thing works perfectly the first time you try it, without doing any training or working your way up to mind – pushing humans from small and less intelligent or complex creatures. The universe exists solely for the purpose of indulging your whims.

Proust’s driver/partner walks by, without noticing neither Assling nor Jim and goes to inspect Inspector Proust. Maybe he was sick the day they handed out the latest batch of “WANTED” posters. Because something is telling me there aren’t that many occultism – obsessed Americans with huge – ass Newfoundland dogs wandering that particular part of the town. It’s convenient for him not to notice them, so he doesn’t. The suethor has spoken and there is nothing common sense can do against that. And that is also the last we ever see of inspector Proust. I kid you not. He could have been such a good character, if only the suethor bothered to care.

“Hot damn, it works! I can mind push! Now this is a skill I can use. No more speeding tickets, no more waiting for a table in a restaurant, at last, at long last, something practical!”

You can mind – rape people into submission and THIS is what you are going to use your newly – discovered skill for? Whatever happened to some good old – fashioned world domination? You know, illusions of grandeur and stuff like that. Because from what we have learned about Assling so far, I would have thought she is exactly the kind of person for whom the spot on the top of the world would be the only acceptable one.

“Doesn’t work on dragons, only mortals,” Jim said.

See? Even the bloody dog is thinking in more practical and usable terms, especially regarding her current situation, that the main character!

Turns out Jim did not mention dragons for no reason, because Fiat’s (snicker) henchman is there to collect Assling since his boss wants to have a chat with her. Assling does not want to do that, though, so THIS happens:

I didn’t even try a mind push, not with Jim’s half-assed warning fresh in my ears. Instead I jerked the gold chain with my jade dragon talisman over my head, yanking the talisman off the chain. “Look, gold!” I waved the gold chain in front of Renaldo’s face. He sniffed the air, his eyes brightening as he watched the chain sway. When I was sure he was about to lunge at it, I threw it as hard as I could over his head. “Go get it!”

No. No. No, no, no, no. Just NO.

Unable to resist the lure of treasure—gold, I had discovered, generating an almost visceral reaction in dragons —Renaldo spun around and jumped for the chain.

You did NOT just do that, MacAlister, that did not just happen.

What the fuck is wrong with you? That there is a dragon – a DRA – GON, not a fucking dog! THIS is a dog:

THIS is a dragon:

You may have noticed there is a minute difference between the two. Since you apparently created a universe in which dragons can take human or humanoid shapes, this can also be considered a dragon:

My point being – dragons don’t do this:

BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT FUCKING DOGS HOW COULD YOU DO THAT MACALISTER HOW COULD YOU?!

Oh shut up, I’m fine.

SONUVABITCH

I’m fine, really.

sigh

MacAlister has done it, my dear friends – she managed to do the same thing to dragons that Meyer did to vampires – she pussified them. Fantastic.

Back to the “story”.

Assling turns to run the other way, but Pal and Istvan, Drake’s henchmen are there. Looks like everyone’s been invited to the party.

And while all of this is happening, what does the driver/policeman do? He waves his hand in front of the Inspector’s face and then tries to shake him awake. Who does that? Outside of characters in Saturday morning cartoons? Oh and I think I call this driver person a cop without any worries. Something is telling me the French police is not so filthy rich they can provide a driver for each one of their officers.

So Assling is caught between the police, a blue dragon and two green ones, all set out to get her. Looks like she’s pretty much screwed unless she thinks of something fast. What does she do?

I decided Drake’s men were the least of my worries and beckoned to them, pointing behind me as I yelled, “The blue wyvern’s man is trying to kidnap me so he can use me against Drake!”

Drake’s red-haired duo stiffened at my words, both their gazes going over my shoulder to where Renaldo was bearing determinedly down on me. Renaldo saw them at the same time and paused.

Okay, good, you got their attention and now you are mere sentence away from setting one on the other and thus creating a chance for yourself to escape. You have to consider the following move very carefully, seeing as it’s absolutely crucial…

“He has gold,” I added persuasively.

blinks is disbelief

What?

It was all the urging Pal and Istvan needed. They sprinted past me, their eyes lit with pleasure. Renaldo stood still for a moment, then he turned on his heels and ran for it.

….

…

…

I…have…nothing.

Time to bring out the big guns, I guess.

Oh, was I ever.

takes a deep breath

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! NOT ONLY ARE THESE DRAGONS COMPLETE PUSSIES THEY NOW OFFICIALLY HAVE NO BALLS. NO BALLS. PUSSIES HAVE MORE BALLS THAN THESE DRAGONS DO. I HAVE MORE BALLS THAN THEY DO. A FUCKING BUTERFLY CIRCLING AROUND A FROLICKING FUCKING UNICORN ON A MEADOW UNDER A RAINBOW HAS MORE FUCKING BALLS THAN THE DRAGONS IN THIS BOOK FUCK YOU FUCK YOU MAC ALISTER FUCK YOU SO HAAAAARD!

AAAAAAARGH!!!

thank you for reading,

falconempress

Tagged as Falconempress, Paranormal Romance, Spork, You Slay Me.

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