Written by Falconempress. Posted on Jul 16, 11:04 AM.

"You Slay Me" Spork - Epilogue

Oh brilliance, brilliance, the epilogue is here and with it the promise of this ungodly thing ending there on the horizon, teasing me with its sweet, sweet scent of freedom. Assling and Drake have saved the day, well, actually Assling pulled some other chicks’ hair and clawed the heck out of her while Drake was watching, did nothing and probably had some jolly old time while doing it, but let’s not focus on meaningless details. The point is that all is well in the French supernatural underworld and the two leads can finally…yeah…

Okay, if there is an emergency, you will find me hiding in Switzerland. Byeee!

Although come to think of, Lady Gaga’s lyrics read like Shakespearean poetry compared to the oh so witty word vomits of Katie MacAlister. Meh, I think my ruined and tortured liver, heart, lungs, spleen, stomach, brain and appendix can take a bit more abuse. The voices agree.

takes a swig

Blergh! What is this? Tastes like industrial glue.

looks at the brand

Huh. It is industrial glue. Fair enough.

takes a swig

The epilogue opens with the recounting of how many pieces of furniture Jim has sexually abused.

“In the last two days you’ve humped two pillows, the corner of my bed, and the vacuum cleaner the maid left while she was cleaning the bathroom. Drake’s furniture is nice. I’m sure he’d appreciate it if it remained that way.”

What? You thought I was kidding? I wish I was, though. Oh I wish that was just a joke so very, very badly.

sniff

I patted Jim on its head. “I never said we weren’t coming back—I just said I had to go home and explain to my uncle what all the fuss has been about. And whither I go, you go. So stop pouting.”

Yes, your uncle, remember? Your employer? The one whose priceless possession you misplaced and have so far been refusing to take responsibility for? You know that guy – your best friend works for him. Or you forgot about her as well, since she is merely a disposable plot device?

But I digress.

Assling sees a picture of a woman on one of the walls, more of a sketch, really, and she is absolutely enamored with it, judging by how it is described in loving detail usually reserved for Drake or Drake during nauseating sex scenes. Drake himself then comes in, turns out that it’s a Da Vinci OH MY FUCKING GOD NO REALLY. He offers it to her in exchange for the Deus Ex Machina Tool thingy. But oh wait, he does not just propose the exchange. Of course not. Otherwise this would not be such a GODAWFUL WASTE OF PAPER:

I turned to watch him, my heart beating faster at the sight of his body moving with masculine grace, his power evident in every sleek movement. “You may have it in exchange for the Eye of Lucifer, which—” His head lifted as he sniffed, his eyes burning, into mine with a familiar heat. “—you have tucked between your lovely breasts.”

Oh NOW you know it’s there, you tool! Because now it is not convenient that you are the one holding the idiot ball. MacAlister YOU MORON.

chews her own fingers

Blah blah blah, Drake found it in Germany after WWII – oh PLEASE spare me – so it is uncatalogued WHY DOESN’T THAT SURPRISE ME AT ALL and then Assling gives him the Desu Ex Machina Tool thingy. MAKE THE VOICES STOP OH PLEASE MAKE THEM SHUT UP

His eyes were darkening even as I watched. He stood close to me, close enough I could smell his spicy dragon scent, the scent that had haunted my dreams for the last two nights, but he made no move to touch me.

Oh I guess there were no dead bodies in the room or murder charges hanging over your head that could turn you on. I WANT THIS TO END – HAVE TO MOVE ON IT’S ALMOST DONE ALMOST DONE NO I WILL NOT CUT OFF MY OWN ARM AS A SACRIFICE TO THE GODS OF UX – MAL SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

I sighed. Even though my body might dispute the idea, keeping my distance from him was the best for both of us. We had no future together, despite his belief otherwise. I’d made my decision. I plucked the lodestone out from my bra, weighing its warmth for a moment before taking Drake’s hand and pressing the stone into it.

He stared down at it in surprise, as if he never expected me to give it to him. Silly man, didn’t he realize there was no one else to whom I could entrust it?

Do safety deposit boxes not exist in this universe? Or storage warehouses. LIKE THIS:

THERE I SOLVED IT – AGAAAAIN. AHAHAHAHAHA!

“You will trade?”

“No. I will give.”

I AM SORRY I NEED TO TAKE MY MEDICINE WHERE IS MY MEDICINE. WHERE IS MY NAIL POLISH REMOVER FOR THAT MATTER I AM THIRSTY I WANT TO DRINK SOMETHING OH HERE YOU ARE MY PRETTY MY PRECIOUS MY GLORIOUS SPARKLY LITTLE BOTTLE OF DELICIOUSNESS

His hand closed over the lodestone, a little sensual shiver running down his body before he got control of himself. His head tipped to the side as I knew it would. “Why?”

“You’re the only one who will keep it safe.”

There. All better. And yeah, entrust the artifact with the power to destroy the world to the man who visibly shivers with pleasure when he takes it in his hand, just barely controlling himself in front of a company. Do you know what it will be like for him when Assling is gone and there is nobody around – just him and the Deus Ex Machina Thingy? Do I hear somebody calling something “Precious?”

Besides me, that is.

And wearing a slinky dress?

Or maybe it’s just the voices in my head again. BE QUIET I’M TRYING TO READ.

“I have all three Tools of Bael now. I’ve already told you that I will not give back the aquamanile. What is to stop me from using them?”

“The answer is “nothing”, puny mortal, and now this world is mine to conquer and rule! MAHAHAHAHA!”

“Nothing.”

LOL DID I CALL IT OR WHAT

But you won’t. I might not be your mate, but I know enough about you to realize you have all the power you need. It’s treasure you seek, and treasure you guard. So I’m giving you the Eye of Lucifer, no strings attached. I figure with the three Tools hidden safely away in your lair downstairs, no one will ever be able to use them.”

“Except for MEEEEE – um, I mean nobody, Assli – AISLING. Oh is it getting late already? Is that your cab I hear downstairs? We better get you to the airport, can’t have you missing that plan – I MEAN PLANE. Yes. That. Plane is what I meant.”

“I’m going home this afternoon,” I said, backing up even more. “My uncle is still a bit pissed at me,

You don’t say? I can’t imagine WHY.

but what-ever you said to Inspector Proust when you handed over Perdita did the trick—he called Uncle Damian and ex-plained that they had made a mistake about me. He also told him mat the aquamanile was gone for good. Uncle Damian was less happy about that, but as I told him, that’s what insurance is for.”

headdesk

headdesk

headdesk

Responsibility? Real – world consequences? Whatever can these words possibly mean?

Fuck you, MacAlister. Fuck you LONG and HARD.

“That’s not all she said,” Jim piped up. “She also told him that she would do anything he wanted, take any job he had, just so long as he kept her on the payroll. It was pathetic, really, the way she groveled. You’d think a Guardian would have a little more dignity—”

What? She got to keep the job? She got to KEEP the JOB? What? WHAT?!

Yeah, something like that.

“Good-bye,” I breathed, allowing my lips to play over his.

“This is in no way over,” Drake breathed back. “You are my mate. You are a Guardian. You cannot deny fate.”

“I make my own fate, thank you,” I said, slipping out his arms. I was calm. I was confident. I was a professional. “See you around.”

“I make my own fate”. “I make my own fate”?! Are you for real?! I have one word of advice for you:

True, that is more than one word BUT YOU GET MY POINT. Plus, you can also die in it LIKE A PROFESSIONAL ISN’T THAT JUST SWELL AHAHAHA

So Assling leaves Drake and she and Jim get into Rene’s cab heading to the airport, although how she paid for her plane ticket is beyond me since she cashed it in much earlier in the book to afford that fetch little cocktail dress. Hey, it worked – Drake did get to rail her in it. Blergh. Maybe Antoine, the customs officer FROM HELL will let her pass. Maybe her uncle, in addition to having lost more money than I will make in my entire life due to her not being able to keep an eye on the item he trusted her with because she was too busy eye – humping a dragon, paid for this ticket. After he said she could keep her job, because she is obviously oh so professional at it.

Rage? Who? Me? You must have me mistaken for somebody else. Pray tell –

“You didn’t even kiss him properly. I didn’t see one little bit of tongue action going on there, and I was watching. Rene, get this girl, she just gave Drake the Eye and walked out with the lamest line in the history of women walking out on men. She didn’t even give him a good-bye grope. She just said, ‘I make my own fate,’ and left. Just what is that supposed to mean, anyway? ‘I make my own fate’? Is that like making yourself an ice cream sundae? Hey. I’m hungry. Can we stop somewhere and get something to eat before we hit the airport? I keep telling you, you have to feed this form or else my coat goes all ugly. Sheesh, I hope my next Guardian at least has her training wheels, ‘cause this business with having to tell you everything is getting a bit old….”

stares at the last paragraph

blinks

GrrrrrRRRRRAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAA –

Tagged as Falconempress, Paranormal Romance, Spork, You Slay Me.

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