Three Poems
These are three poems I recently wrote. Comments, critique, criticism is welcome as always. I’d like any thoughts on them.
The Heart
It’s beating with clockwork precision,
the veined pulse keeping you alive.
It’s the etched mechanical engine,
keeping you running, stepping.
It’s the purely logical drive,
for your illogical whole.
It’s the perfect device,
for your imperfect process.
It’s the sooty furnace burning,
fueling your passions and excess.
It’s the valves, gauge, and pistons,
the worn linchpin keeping you alive.
Sea & Sun
In the Sky, the Sun saw the Sea
She was sashaying, against the shore
Sprays of salts, splashing the sands
Schools of fish, shuttling in ocean
The Sun shone, the Sea glistened
She’s not shy, so shy, so sly
Shushed, she whispered, said
Something, lost in sloshing shoals.
Slowly, the Sun shambles, swiftly
Softly, the Sea swallows the Sun.
Taipei
People here often say,
“I never see you sweat”
That’s because it’s not hot enough
In Taipei thirty six million people
sweat collectively on their mopeds
and it is locked in by
boundaries made of sidewalk
and walls of cracked concrete
That was hot.
In highschool people said,
“I never see you work”
That’s because it wasn’t hard enough
In Taipei school children attend class
where they will be rapped on the head
if they don’t learn the rote algebra
and their parents don’t protest, was the same
for everyone in tradition and rigor,
That was hard.
I’m afraid for America
when the sweaty children
Look up and say, “Now,
it is our turn, and so…
Comment
By Girl 3 Daniella
on Oct 17, 01:02 AM
whoa…. your poems are very good. I’m speechless.
By Girl 3 Daniella
on Oct 17, 01:20 AM
Oh great fires given birth,
Settle back within the earth.
Molten lavas now retreat,
Don’t you burn the earth so sweet.
Volcanoes north, south, east and west,
Stop your rumblings be at rest.
Oh great forces of the earth,
Force of growth and force of birth.
Be thee gentle, be thee still,
Let peace and quiet be thy will.
Settle mountains, nuture trees,
And let the people live in peace.
Oh great forces of the air,
Stop the cyclones, end despair.
Slow the wind, become a breeze,
Quieten down and be at ease.
Calm and still and gentle air,
Show the people that you care.
Oh great forces of the water,
Stop the violence, stop the slaughter.
Slow the river, stop the rain,
End the flooding let it drain.
Calm the seas, roll back the tide,
And let the storm-clouds drift aside.
By SubStandardDeviation
on Oct 17, 01:33 AM
@1: It’s got good rhythm. Nice irregular rhyme. Could see it as a rap.
@2: The obsession with alliteration distracts from the imagery.
@3: Intriguing theme, but some wordy parts hamper flow. You lived in Taipei?
@ Girl 3: If you like this site, why not get an account? Then you can post all the poems you like in the Critique section.
By SlyShy
on Oct 17, 01:44 AM
SSD,
Yeah, I was afraid the alliteration might. I was writing that as an exercise after initially dismissing Rhythm & Cadence as a style.
I think you are probably referring to the second section? Yeah, I agree, but I wasn’t quite able to figure out how to get the idea across in fewer words as I was writing it. I’ll have to give it another look. And yeah, I lived in Taipei for three years of my childhood.
By resist.hegemony
on Oct 17, 05:13 AM
Loved the Taipei poem—the imagery really hit home for me. Humorous, as well. I didn’t live in Taipei, but did spend a chunk of childhood (almost four?) years in Taichung.
The second one was the most intriguing—but I’m not so sure what I think about the alliteration factor. It gives it…its own flavor.
SlyShy, well done.
By Girl 3 Daniella
on Oct 17, 12:09 PM
How do you get your own account in this website???
By SlyShy
on Oct 17, 01:18 PM
Just write me an email with the username you would like, and you’ll be added.
By Rhaego
on Oct 17, 01:31 PM
I was impressed with the first, but I didn’t like the second and third as much. Overall, they were good though. Good job sly.
By Virgil
on Oct 17, 03:21 PM
The second is my favorite, the alliteration jumps out and works well. The awkward rhymes in the first one offsetting and (for me) didn’t flow well. The third was nice but not spectacular. It did make me laugh, though.
By RandomVisitor
on Oct 17, 03:23 PM
I really liked the poem about The Heart. It had a refreshingly original view on the subject. I didn’t understand the last bit in Taipei, though. What are they looking up at? Maybe my brain just isn’t working today, but you lost me on those last two lines.
By Snow White Queen
on Oct 17, 09:32 PM
i liked the taipei one the best…however, you lost me too with the last two lines.
By Spanman
on Oct 18, 12:19 AM
I like #2 best, it reads a bit like one of those old tongue twisters – Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, and so on. I can never get enough of those. _
#1 didn’t flow well, though the idea is very intriguing.
#3 was very good, though I don’t usually go for free verse. You’re good at getting a point across.
By GC
on Nov 3, 12:32 PM
The first and third were really good. :D
By Zahano
on Dec 12, 12:55 AM
The first one is okay, but has too many mixed metaphors for the same thing or aspect. Stick to one or two and expand on them. The commas are placed oddly.
Line 1: Use a dash instead.
Line 3: Nothing, take out comma.
Lines 5 and 7 need nothing.
Penultimate line needs dash instead.
Second one is okay. The imagery is effective, although the alliteration sometimes makes it difficult to read aloud.
Third one is decent. Last lines make a little sense-the Americans have no fucking clue what they are talking about when they search for discipline and hardship, correct?
By SlyShy
on Dec 12, 01:24 AM
Where were you when I was writing papers for class? :P
By Zahano
on Dec 12, 06:58 PM
At DEM. I would be very interested in reading your papers-send them by PM. Send them by email if they are really, really long.
By FallingStarBurning
on Dec 21, 04:32 PM
I really like the first one, gives whole new imagery to hearts in general. I like how it was kinda steam-punk in a way
Liked the personification in the second one, kinda missed the point, though.
In number 3: what is Taipei? And even though I’m native American (not Native American, just born here) I totally agree that we are a soft bunch of people. ;P