The Climb, Revised
I feel like I never post revisions of anything I do on ImpishIdea, so this is an attempt to remedy that. I got a lot of really great critique on the past version of this story, and I’d be happy to display the end result now.
——
The Climb
Nora rolled over, onto her back. The spring grass tickled her neck as she leaned back, and repositioned her black beret. Beside her, Neal ruffled his hair, looking for a ladybug which had crawled in. Nora daintily inserted two fingers into his blond hair, plucking out the bug. With a slight smile, she flicked it into the open sky, and watched it buzz into emptiness. There were no clouds, but dandelion fluff floated in the sea of sky, as if trying to fill in, before being swept aside by the breeze. The breeze flowed in a lazy wave, around and above the contours of the rolling hills.
“I’m bored,” Nora announced.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, aren’t I always?” she said, sitting up and leaning forward. Neal pushed himself up.
“Pretty much. What do you want to do about it?” Neal brushed some grass off his back, and picked up the beret, which had fallen again.
“You know the cellphone tower?” she said, pointing. She knew there was no need to point, everyone knew where it was. You could see it from anywhere in the town. Amid the cornfields, the prairie grass, and the comely homes, atop a larger than normal hill rose the tower. It was an obelisk of steel, a monolith of engineering. A little cousin of the Eiffel Tower, right in the middle of nowhere. Mounted atop the four-legged tower, among the massive altar of antennas, was a blinking red light. Nora stared intently at that light. It was always there, mocking her, challenging her with its regular beat.
“Obviously,” he said.
“I want to climb it.”
“What? Why?”
“I’m bored, it’s there, I haven’t done it before.”
“I don’t know, climbing that thing could be dangerous.”
“Those bars look pretty evenly spaced to me. Easy,” Nora shrugged, looking up and down the structure of the tower. From this distance, atop the hill, it didn’t look that high, but she knew it would be different looking at the base of it.
“I don’t think those bars were exactly designed for climbing.”
“It’s not like I was expecting monkey bars or anything, it still doesn’t look that bad.”
“You aren’t even any good at monkey bars,” Neal said, poking her in the belly. Nora jumped slightly, and the beret slid off her short black hair. She gave him a cross look.
“Sure I am.”
“Yeah, that’s why you were always losing hold in the playground.”
“I wasn’t any good at monkey bars,” she said, “but that was years ago, plus monkey bars don’t have footholds. Also, I’m stronger now.” She punctuated the point by punching him in the arm. Neal laughed, while wincing. He snatched the beret and scrambled to his feet, running.
“Bastard!” Nora took after him.
“Come on, let’s go see if there is a movie playing.”
—
“I can’t believe we wasted an entire afternoon yesterday watching that terrible movie,” Nora said, sitting backwards on a chair, looking our the rain soaked window at the dark skies. In the clouds, she could see the faint red pulse of the tower, beckoning.
“It wasn’t that bad, we’ve seen worse.”
“The writing was shoddy, the acting was wooden, some shots were bad, the pacing was off in the second half, and that actor had a mole on the upper lip, totally distracting.”
“Did you have any better ideas?” Neal teased. He was lying down on the old yellow coach, legs up on the arm.
“Yeah, I did. I was going to climb the tower. I’ll just have to do it today.”
“You are absolutely not climbing today, end of story.”
“Yeah, and why?”
“Because you would be swept off, and I’m not good at catching falling people.”
“Then I’m doing it the first day it doesn’t rain, or else right away,” Nora grinned, Neal scowled.
“I’ll certainly miss the sun, but here’s hoping it never stops raining. This is dangerous.”
Nora got up from the chair, and paced.
“I know, I know. But it’ll be okay. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now.”
“A while? Like, two days?”
“No Neal, longer than that,” she said. “Anyways, you are right, I’ll do it when the weather is clear, and there is little wind. I don’t want any cross wind when I’m up there. Climbing the bars won’t be hard, this isn’t a shear cliff, the tower is angled, so I could even pause if I got tired.”
“What if you get electrocuted? You’d be climbing all sorts of electronics up there,” Neil said, sitting upright on the couch. Nora walked into the kitchen without bothering to turn on the lights, she knew her way around. She opened the fridge, revealing the little frightened light hiding from the darkness outside, and looked inside.
“Yeah, but don’t birds hang out in there? They would be dropping like popped balloons if there were anything dangerous up there,” she said from the kitchen.
“Jesus. Get a good pair of gloves then, leather or some other touch material. I don’t want you ruining your hands grabbing sharp metal crossbeams.”
Nora emerged from the kitchen, grinned at Neal, and sat down to hug him around the shoulder.
“I think you are out of milk.”
“Alright, just promise me you keep safe. What if I lost you?”
“You’d be just fine.”
“I can’t even buy milk unless you remind me, Nora.”
“Oh, big deal,” she laughed.
——
It was a sunny day, and there was the slightest breeze that still smelled of fresh rain. Neal and Nora walked up the hill to the tower. They made hushed small talk until they reached the concrete base of the tower. The grass abruptly ended in a crisp edge of poured concrete, and from the concrete emerged one leg of the tower. The other three bases formed a square with this one, and the sides were sixty feet across. They stepped onto the base, and Nora placed her gloved hands on the first bars.
“Good luck, and please don’t hurt yourself,” Neal said.
“Thanks, see you back down in not too long,” Nora said, as she grabbed the next crossbar and positioned her feet. She climbed rapidly, hand over hand, foot over foot. It wasn’t much different from climbing a tree, the hand holds and foot holds were so frequent and easy. A giant metallic tree, but it grew upside down, Nora thought when she reached the point where the four legs joined into the trunk. Here she paused for a moment. The majority of the climb was still ahead of her. Feeling her breathing settle down, she shifted sideways to get from the leg to the center of the central spire, and continued up. Hand over hand, foot over foot, it took ages. Her arms began to tire, but she didn’t slow her pace. As she got further up, the bars occurred increasingly frequently, they were widest apart where the spire was broadest. Each time she grabbed the next crossbeam, she was grateful for the gloves. The edges of the metal were harsh, and she was sure she would have cut her hands climbing. The gloves provided her good grip as she got to the increasingly vertical part of the tower. She paused again to look up. Only twenty more feet. The last few went quickly, and Nora hoisted herself on top, on to the little platform where the array of electronics stood.
And among it was the flash of the huge red light. Nora stared it down for a moment, then turned her back to it, so it wouldn’t blind her, grinning in silent success. She threw her arms in the air, as if herself an antenna. And up there, among the bombardment of radio-waves and micro-waves, Nora felt interconnected to all the world, as though pieces of her body scattered across the four corners of the land. She felt each individual molecule of her existence, up there in the open. They cried out to be released into space, each electron straining to be broadcast into the universe. She shuddered, then drew in a large breath, as if to pull herself back in and together.
She looked down at the landscape with new eyes. Everything was so small. Of course, it was the height, but she held out her hand, and imagined holding the entire town. All her life, she had stayed constrained in this tiny space, a place so much smaller than the dollhouse she once played with. She lowered her hand and stood still for a time.
The trip down was longer and more difficult, because the possibility of slipping was imminent. Nora moved down in a trance, not entirely aware of her motions. The landscape didn’t seem to grow in size as she approached, it was still small. When she reached the bottom, and had her feet on the ground again, Neal embraced her and held her close.
“I’m so glad you are safe. I didn’t lose you.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Nora said. She had meant it to be playful, but it came out sounding hollow. She chocked for a moment, afraid, she squeezed back.
——
It had been a week since Nora climbed the tower, she knew because they just watched the “new” movie that had been released. After the credits scrolled by, Nora and Neal were the only people in the theater. They were completionists; they watched movies for the holistic experience, trailers, movie, credits. They stood up, they were in the first row, always. Together they loved the eye straining, in your face intensity of the front row, where you couldn’t escape the scene however you tried. As Nora strolled up the aisle, she felt like she was strolling down memory lane. She let her hand slide over the arched backs of the red soft theater chairs, as she recalled the movies they had seen here. Forest Gump, Schindler’s List, Pulp Fiction, Braveheart, the gems among the muck. She paused in the middle of the aisle, having finally decided. Neal noticed.
“What’s up?”
“Neal, I think I want to move.”
“Where?”
“Far away, probably.”
“Far?”
“Farther the better. Let’s get away from this place.”
“Nora, you know I can’t leave, this is home. My roots are here.”
“I know,” she said, “I think I always knew.”
“Why do you want to go?”
“I can’t just stay here and not do anything. I’ve got to try things, it’s so constraining not to.”
“But I’m here for you, everyone is.”
“I know, you’ll always be here,” she said, “You’ll be here if I come back, I know. You’ve my anchor, my fallback. I feel safe knowing you will be here.”
“Nora, there is plenty to do here, you don’t have to leave.”
“There’s nothing here, I’ve got to move about,” she said. “Here’s keep this for me,” she handed him her beret.
“So I am losing you. I knew when you said that thing, it was there in your voice. Promise me you’ll keep in touch.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said, hugging him. “I promise you I’ll call. I’ll remind you to buy new milk and everything.”
“Yeah. We get great cellphone reception here.”
“Oh, please don’t be like that.”
“Then do one thing for me, promise me you go see the Sundance Festival. Do it for both of us.”
“I promise. I’m so sorry Neal.”
Tagged as Critique, Slyshy, The Climb.Comment
By SubStandardDeviation
on Dec 8, 08:35 PM
Much improved from the first.
You have a tendency to use run-ons, it’s somewhat distracting especially when it’s not within dialogue.
My biggest issue with this piece is the order in which some of the information is presented. For example, when she reaches the top of the tower, she has a philosophical revelation (“interconnected to all the world”) before she looks down and sees how small and insignificant her town is. It feels a bit forced without a concrete segue beforehand. The long infodump about being movie fans at the end also feels tacked on and could have been expanded in the first movie talk, rather than all dropped in at the end.
The line about the cellphone tower, with a little tweaking, could have been a great “zing” at the end – allowing her to liberate herself, but also the only anchor to her roots. The Sundance Festival doesn’t have quite the same “punch”, especially since a lot of people might not know the reference.
By Kevin
on Dec 9, 01:01 AM
The people don’t feel like characters, which is nice. The dialogue is authentic. Smooth, easy read. Agree with SSD on the order critique, though I really liked the movie bit at the end – She’s reminiscing; I’ve had moments like that, my favorite booth at the Denny’s in my hometown, etc. I’ve also known people like this.
The extent of their relationship was not entirely clear to me, but subtlety tends to be lost on me, so that may not be your fault. I only tripped over two sentences – the ‘memory lane’ comment in the movie part, only because it’s totally unnecessary. It’s already obvious that she’s reminiscing. Also, early on – ‘looking for a lady bug which had crawled in’ feels awkward to me. Replace ‘which’ with ‘that,’ and I think it rolls easier. Overall, well done.
By Ty
on Dec 10, 03:18 AM
Definitely improved! The spreading of the sequencing certainly clarifies the actions of the characters. I especially like how you insert the new paragraph about Neal and Nora being “completionists” — it adds more texture to their relationship, highlighting the common ground that would allow them to be a couple. Plus the description of their movie watching experience is vivid and compelling. Definitely a worthy addition!
One critique, which is really simple to “fix” —
you have a lot of sentences which unnecessarily contain an extra clause. For example: “It had been a week since Nora climbed the tower, she knew because they just watched the “new” movie that had been released.” This sentence would work a lot better as two sentences: “It had been a week since Nora climbed the tower. She knew because they just watched the “new” movie that had been released.”
I’ve actually been doing this sort of thing with my own writing recently — forcing myself to use “clipped” or concise sentences instead of tying together phrases unnaturally. Hopefully it isn’t my current zealousness for short sentences speaking, but I think that removing the commas and instead turning these sort of sentences into two would make the piece flow better.
By Zahano
on Dec 10, 11:13 PM
Not bad. Just some nitpicks.
1. The plural of “antenna” is “antennae”, NOT “antennas”.
2. “With a slight smile, she flicked it into the open sky, and watched it buzz into emptiness. “
-There is no need for commas before “and” in a series, nor between “smile” and “she”.
Since when is BRAVEHEART a “gem in the muck”?
By SlyShy
on Dec 10, 11:28 PM
No accounting for a fictional character’s taste. ;)
By Zahano
on Dec 11, 12:28 AM
3. The sylvan name of that fellow Mr. Gump is spelled FORREST.
4. I concur with Ty
5. Move the junk about how much N+N love going to the movies when they see the crappy movie. It gives them more justification in being movie snobs even though they like BRAVEHEART. I think it unnecessary, even. The paragraph seems an unnecessary infodump to me. For a story that is mostly dialogue, it seems tacked on as an afterthought. Actually, eliminate the sequence entirely if you like, including watching the crappy movie earlier in the story, along with the superfluous comment about the Sundance Festival.
6. The end of the “completionists” paragraph seems rather abrupt in subject. change. She spends all this time thinking about going to the movies, then stops to reveal she wants to leave town? The sequence does not flow, the segue nonexistent.
7. “She chocked for a moment, afraid, she squeezed back.”
-What is chocking? Even if it is not a typographical error, it seems like a weird verb to use, particularly when the sentence is read aloud.
8.“She felt each individual molecule of her existence, up there in the open. They cried out to be released into space, each electron straining to be broadcast into the universe.”
Molecule or electron? Why specify electron in a MOLECULE, made up of many atoms of which each may have hundreds of electrons?
9. “Here’s keep this for me,”
Huh? This sentence is missing a word or two. It does not make any sense.
By Zahano
on Dec 11, 12:38 AM
10. “Nora walked into the kitchen without bothering to turn on the lights, she knew her way around”
Replace the comma with a dash.
11. “She opened the fridge, revealing the little frightened light hiding from the darkness outside, and looked inside.”
The part between the commas is entirely unnecessary. Besides, where is it outside of? Outside of the house? Outside of the refrigerator?
12.“As she got further up, the bars occurred increasingly frequently, they were widest apart where the spire was broadest.”
‘Increasingly frequently’? No two adverbs in a row, particularly adverbs modifying other adverbs, please-that is not their purpose “Frequent” is not a verb in this context anyway. If you must keep it, at least replace the comma after “frequently” with a dash. Better yet, rewrite the entire sentence to show the support bars/cables/things she climbed were built closer together as she went up the tower.
By SlyShy
on Dec 11, 09:27 AM
Thanks Zahano,
You make a good point about the movie scene. I haven’t put that through much revision, and I agree there is a lot to be changed. And of course, thanks for pointing out typos. :)
By Krista
on Jan 4, 01:26 AM
I didn’t realize that there was a revised version when I made my previous comments. Sorry about that. I am just randomly reading posts trying to get a feel for the website.
You did address my issue about coming down being scarier than going up, and I thought this was well done.
I have a comment on the revised version. I think the week later addition is unnecessary.
I know why you added it. In the other version the conversation about leaving didn’t feel right immediately following her epiphany at the top of the tower. Nora needs time to mull everything over before she decides to leave and I totally agree with this.
But I think the conversation doesn’t have to occur at all. Leave the ending open.
Nora comes down from the tower, Neal hugs her and says ‘don’t ever do anything so stupid again. I don’t want to loose you.’
Nora looks longingly up at the tower and knows that she wants to feel that rush again. She smiles wryly and says, ‘sure you need me. Who else will remind you to buy milk.’
The end. Let the readers infer the rest.
I still would like a subtle reference to their ages. Somehow mention that Nora just graduating from high school or that Neal just moved out on his own. Because it is important for the readers to know where they are in life.
I don’t mean to offend Zohano, but I loved the molecules and electrons line. Please don’t change it.
Zohano, Slyshy isn’t using molecules and electrons interchangeably. Nora could feel her molecules stirring in her, but it was her electrons in the molecules that were straining to be broadcasted to the universe. Electron current is what produces electricity, so this really makes the moment electrifying. I really love this metaphore.
I also disagree with SSD in the order of her philosophical moment, feeling a connection with the outside world before she realizes how small and insignificant her town is. I like the order you present it. That she sees the potential for her life before she realizes that she will never live up to it if she stays. It worked for me.
Overall, I really like this piece. It is really hard to present a coherent story along with a strong sense of characters in so few words. Good luck with this Slyshy.
By Zahano
on Jan 24, 07:37 PM
Fine. I see your point, Krista. No offence taken.
When will a third draft appear?
By SlyShy
on Jan 24, 08:31 PM
Well, I’ve got a third draft, although I don’t think I’ll post it. I’d rather keep the site open as a resource for others that need help, and I’ve already gone through two stages of this on the site. I’d be loathe to hog the limelight.