Written by SlyShy. Posted on Feb 27, 06:39 PM.

Constructive Sporkism: Example

Introduction

We’re rolling out a new feature here on II: constructive sporking. The idea is this: we’re moving critique submissions off the main site and onto the forum. If you still want your work critiqued on the main site, you can do that, but you agree to a sporking. Of course, this sporking comes with some bells and whistles in form of more in-depth analysis (to the extent that we can provide it).

This probably sounds a little bit scary, but it’s all very lighthearted. You’re no Paolini, odds are we’ll like what you’ve written, but poke some small fun at it. To give you guys an idea of what this’ll be like I’ve offered up my own first NaNoWriMo. This was before I had discovered Anti-Shurtugal and Co., and I was even a fan of Paolini. There is little doubt in my mind he influenced my writing here, which is unfortunate, to say the least.

Without much further ado, here goes.

The Text

Chapter 1

The large oval stadium has nearly empty. Its bleachers arranged in a way that resembled a crescent moon, all but a single row lay deserted. Only during a single day of the year would the stadium fill. This day was the Gil-blossoms, the day in which a young elf would prove his strength and cunning in battle. The champion of the competition would be granted a single wish, provided the province could provide it.

The young elves occupying the front row seats were buzzing in excitement. Today the two finest fighters to be trained in the school of battled were to face off in the most anticipated practice duel ever.

Esillisar stepped into field and eyed his surroundings; he could see his friend Valandil in the bleachers. The field continuously coughed clouds of dust; Esillisar suspected that this condition was one maintained by magical means. Through the clouds Esillisar’s opponent, Reg’ralad emerged. They shook hands and return to their respective sides of the field.

For some time they stood, observing each other. And the observers noted the contrast between the two. Esillisar had raven hair, sharp roving eyes, pointed chin, and a quick slender physique which were tribute to his Vahus heritage, but he also had the high cheekbones and refined features typical of the Windrilli elves. Reg’ralad had light golden hair and a heavier set body; overall he looked like any other pureblooded Windrilli elf. Each drew their weapons: Esillisar his light rapier and dirk, Reg’ralad his heavy bastard sword. The recently cleaned blades shown with a great brilliance, the fine true-silver instruments of death already trying to out do each other. However they were magically dulled for the duration of the duel, and would not feel the taste of blood today.

The referee rang the bell which sat high above in the in officials stand. The crowd blinked, and then the competitors were gone, as if into thin air. The crowd roared its approval; they could tell this would be a magic intensive duel. Settled into his spell of invisibility Esillisar scanned the ring to look for the subtle hints of his opponent’s location, the puffs of dust created by his feet, or the clouds of dust moving around him. Eyeing his surroundings carefully Esillisar softly whispered a spell of air, causing a cloud of dust to shift a few feet away from him. Reg’ralad saw the shift in the dust, tensed, then leapt into the air, aiming for the spot he estimated Esillisar would be. Reg’ralad’s sword swept through the cloud of dust, parting it into two. Shocked and confused Reg’ralad was pulled on by his sword’s momentum and lost his footing. His spell of invisibility dissolved about him as he tried to figure out what happened, and then Esillisar struck. He could not possibly have phased, or blinked. The mages have not even learned those yet. Reg’ralad thought, just as his feet were being swept from the ground. Landing hard on his chest Reg’ralad felt his breath leaving him. Desperately he groped his sword and tried to pick himself up, but it was too late, he felt the two cold blades of Esillisar’s rapiers forming a cross above his neck. The bell rang again, declaring Esillisar the winner. The referee boomed in his commanding voice. “Esillisar Arnatuilë half-prince of Silverstream defeats Reg’ralad Merila petty-noble of Silverstream.”

The crowd began applauding though they were just as confused as Reg’ralad, Esillisar grinned and bowed. Esillisar offered his hand to Reg’ralad who was now standing. “I would never shake the hand of a dirty Vahus, you won through the trickery and deceit typical of your people.” Reg’ralad spat. “I’m glad to see that you are such a sportsman.” Esillisar chuckled, unable to hide his amusement. “You should wipe that grin from your mouth, you lazy fool! My months of hard wiped away by your deceit, you are a—“ Esillisar turned and walked away before he heard the rest.

Esillisar began the arduous journey up to his lodgings in the royal palace. Silverstream like many elven cities was built on the face of the Sentinel Mountains, which surrounded the Elfhome valley. Beneath the mountains there were expanses of fields, and to west there was wooded wilderness and through it ran the stream for which the province was named. At the base of the mountain there was a tall wall, which like the houses and shops were carved out of the very rock of the mountain. Near the top of the mountain sat the palace, which consisted of a rectangular palace proper and many spires interconnected by a network of arches. The buildings in Silverstream had slanted roofs which match the slope of the mountain. From a distance Silverstream would be hard to spot at all, so well did it blend into the mountain.

Esillisar stepped through the gates of the palace, gates which were once closed to his past away father. Esillisar’s mother had fought hard to make sure that he would not be turned away, because of his Vahus heritage before she too left for the gray plains. Esillisar moved through the courtyard, past a few noblemen in the main hall, and swiftly ascended the stairs to his rooms. One of the servants had placed his supper on a silver platter outside his door, and gratefully Esillisar took it inside his room.

The meal was some sort of fish, which Esillisar could not distinguish. It was spicy, as almost every dish was this cycle because the outlaying valleys had had a particularly plentiful pepper harvest, but it was also sweet a change Esillisar was happy for. The dish’s aroma filled the spartan room; Esillisar’s possessions amounted to his armor, his weapons, a small wardrobe, a small writing desk, and his bed. These were arrayed about in his room in no particular fashion. As Esillisar lied in bed his thoughts wandered Hopefully Gil-blossoms will be as simple as today. That way I will not be bothered with my blood quest.

Chapter 2

Esillisar awoke as the sun rushed into to the small room, flooding it in light. Finally a free day! Esillisar flew through the halls of the palace, he was known for his fleet-footedness. Grabbing whatever was left of the day’s breakfast from the kitchens, Esillisar left the palace. Esillisar was glad he didn’t have to sit through meals with the rest of the royal family, with its ceremonial excess, being a half-prince had its advantages. Esillisar threw open the gates of the palace, and looked at the city below him. Murmuring a quick spell he formed a sheet of ice under each of his boots. Crouching Esillisar slid down the narrow streets, accelerating wildly, feeling the wind fly through his hair, the stop stalls becoming blurs. Esillisar saw his friends outside the arena and he skid to a halt just before hitting them. “That was a very impressive performance” remarked Haldamir.

“How did you manage to get Reg’ralad to attack the air?” asked Valandil. “I don’t think you could have jumped without him seeing it, and you certainly didn’t phase.” “Actually I did phase.” Esillisar replied with a straight face. . “You did what!?” gasped Valandil. “I know a third year in the school of arcane arts, and they certainly have not learned to phase.” Esillisar burst out laughing “You should know me better than that. I just created a gust of wind, and he attacked the location of my wind spell.” This had everyone laughing. “I’m trusting that you will keep this technique among yourselves?” Esillisar had no reason to ask, but he did anyways. He had been sharing his tricks, techniques, and strategies, and they never got around. “And we had all thought you phased or something.” Haldamir laughed gasping for breath. “Reg’ralad is such a fool; the Gil-blossom should be easy.” Esillisar smirked, my thoughts exactly.

Esillisar followed his friends into the stadium for training, but he knew that he wouldn’t be doing any practice. Esillisar threw a dagger, and it flew crashing into one that Haldamir had just thrown. “Would you please cut that out?” Haldamir yelled over the noise of swords clashes and bows twanging. Esillisar changed targets, a dagger flew over the head of Valandil as he was about to let loose an arrow. The arrow flew into a wall, completely missing the target, as Valandil lost concentration. Feeling the top of his head where a little hair had been sliced off, he turned around to see who was responsible. Valandil heard Esillisar yell over his shoulders as he left “You will have to have better concentration than that at the Gil-blossoms.”

Leaving the stadium Esillisar headed towards the woods. Not wanting to waste precious moment of his time Esillisar walked briskly along the bank of the stream, pausing only to sip the cool water. Today the sun’s reflection on the stream did in fact make the stream look as if it were made of molten silver, so bright and smooth was its surface. Eventually the stream led to the edge of the forest, the evergreens and oaks standing tall. Stepping into the forest he felt a change within him. Suddenly he heard the chirps of the insects, and the songs of the birds with unmatched clarity. Esillisar became aware of the life around him, hearing the doe which was watching him through some underbrush. Then he turned and heard the low growl of a young gray wolf. At the same moment the doe and the wolf leapt into motion. Guessing the wolf’s intent Esillisar ran after it, the wolf chasing the doe, and Esillisar chasing the wolf. Esillisar ducked under branches, ignored leafs, and leapt over roots as he willed himself to speed up. Slowly he could see the gap between the wolf and him closing. Leaping Esillisar tackled the small wolf to the ground, fortunately the wolf’s claws had barely grown in, and Esillisar was able to use his weight to gain the upper hand. Now that he had a small wolf with him Esillisar suddenly realized he had nothing to do with it. Then Esillisar seemed to hear something Please elf, I am hungry will you not let me free? Startled Esillisar jumped off of the wolf and stared at it. The wolf growled Now it is too late, my meal has gotten away. What were you thinking? Hesitantly Esillisar opened his knapsack and pulled from it a piece of dried pork, tossing it lightly to the fox. I thank you, in truth I could not have caught that deer, it had too much of a start on me. Esillisar could almost see a grin on the wolf’s canine face. Are you mute? I know you can hear me just fine. Esillisar began to speak, but the wolf cut him off I’m joking, I can not understand common. But you should follow me. I know that you will b able to keep up. And with that the wolf ran. Esillisar followed close behind, having no idea where he was going.

Esillisar eased into a rhythm, as he followed the wolf he noted landmarks, at one spot the stream (at least Esillisar assumed it was the stream, since they had wandered away from it a few times) traveled down several short waterfalls, and at another spot there was a single majestic oak, so tall that it blocked all light around. He became so absorbed in his surroundings that at first he did not notice that the wolf had disappeared. I’m down here Esillisar noticed a hole in the dirt next to large oak, and wriggled through.

He landed rather roughly on a pile of leaves. He seemed to be in a hollow beneath the oak, the roots lined the walls. He then noticed the wolves; nearly a dozen of them sat or lay together, several of them sleeping. An old wolf with dark gray fur that was nearly black spoke Greetings elf, what brings you to our homestead? Esillisar growled, doing his best to try a imitate the wolves manner of speech I followed one of your young here, he told me to come with him. The elder wolf replied You speak well for one outside of our kind, elf. My name is Cerndik, what might yours be? Esillisar was unsure how to say his name in ‘wolven’ as he called it, so he decided just to say it in elven. In my tongue I am known as Esillisar Arnatuilë. Cerndik seemed chuckle slightly at this. There was one of the Arnatuilë clan here before. Esillisar was slightly taken aback; I guess it figures that my father would commune with the wolves of this region. Cerndik nodded. Yes, he came to us seeking the men who raided the city, in the end the eagles provided the information he sought, but we pointed he in the right direction. Thoughts of his blood feud flooded Esillisar’s mind.

Esillisar’s father Elrendur, had ousted the local branch of a large crime guild, in order to prove himself worthy to marry princess Silia, Esillisar’s mother. However Elrendur died shortly after Esillisar’s third birthday under mysterious circumstances. By elven custom Esillisar was bound to avenge his father’s death, unless he won the Gil-blossoms, which case could request that he be relieved of the obligation. Then Esillisar pushed the thoughts from his head. If I don’t win the Gil-blossoms, I’ll worry about it then.

Esillisar bid his hosts plentiful hunts, then excused himself. The sun was setting in the horizon as Esillisar navigated his way back to Silverstream, thankful that he had spent the time to observe landmarks on the way other.

By the time he got back to the palace the stars had formed over head, and Esillisar paused to gaze at the constellations, specifically finding the constellation of the wolf. As he walked through the courtyards towards his room Esillisar heard two nobles mention his name, but could not make out anymore of the conversation. Esillisar let the matter drop, and continued to his room. Esillisar noticed that the days activities had taken a toll on his clothing. His leather armor, which was colored many shades of green, and identified him as a royal subject had dirt strewn all across it surface. During some part of the day Esillisar had managed to rip his trousers as feel. I’ll deal with it tomorrow Esillisar grimaced. As he quickly ate then fell asleep

Chapter 3

When Esillisar awoke the next mourning he took special cares to clean himself, and make himself presentable, then made his way to councilman Elensar’s lodgings. It was a fairly typical house, like all nobility the Elensars had a two story house, but they did not worry about appearance the way some noble families did. Alatariel greeted Esillisar at the door and they headed for her room. Alatariel was a slender elf whose shoulder length blond hair seemed always in motion, her hazel eyes always darting about, and thin lips always twisting into a smile. She studied at the school of arcane art, which made her an invaluable resource to Esillisar.

Alatariel closed the door to her room behind them, offered Esillisar a seat, and sat down, all in one smooth motion.

“I heard what you did to Reg’ralad the past day.” Alatariel laughed; hers was a light pleasant laugh.

Esillisar chuckled then replied “He didn’t seem very amused afterwards, but I walked away he could threaten my life.”

“Was it that bad?” Alatariel’s tone changed to one of concern.

“It may have been, it was one of the quickest duels ever fought.”

“You have got to be careful; you don’t want any politicking interfering with Ur-blossoms.”

Esillisar didn’t want to think about that, but he hoped that the Merildas didn’t have enough influence in the courts to influence the games. They were after all only a petty house. Quickly Esillisar changed the topic “What new spells have you learned this past week?”

Grinning mischievously Alatariel replied “They taught us a few new runes, and I think I’ve got a really neat spell prepared. But we are going to have to find a field…”

They completed the sentence together “so we don’t accidentally cause loss of property and or life.”

They agreed on a location, then left separately and took different routes to ensure that the Elensar’s standing in the court wasn’t soiled by association with any ‘dirty half-breeds.’

They meet that the field at nearly the same time, and Alatariel immediately began preparing for the spell. Meanwhile Esillisar practiced silent casting. The arcane energies of mana were manifested through the will power of the caster. They were not bound in anyway to the runes, but runes and hand motion help the caster better communicate the desired effect. The arcane does nothing more and nothing less than what the caster commands, thus it is of vital importance that the correct effect is willed into existence. Theoretically one could cast spells by merely concentrating on the thought of the desired spell, but realistically the runes and hand motions were invaluable as a method of casting spells.

Esillisar was twice able to will a wind spell into existence by thought alone, but it was difficult. Finally Alatariel announced that she was ready to begin the spell. She told Esillisar the sequence of runes, which he quickly memorized. Bil-Kuh-Vi-Yi-Jab the sequence read. Bil was the rune for spherical, Kuh was blast, and Vi was heat. So far so good but then Esillisar stumbled, because Yi was size, and Jab was twelve.

“You want this thing to be twelve feet wide?” Esillisar asked, in disbelief.

“Sure, we want to make a BANG don’t we?” Alatariel grinned in reply.

“No wonder you needed me with, something of that magnitude is definitely going to need to people.”

Alatariel began the spell with a quick small spell that allowed the two of them to combine their energies into the spell. Then both began chanting, their hands moving in unison. “BIL-KUH-VI-YI-JAB” Then both whispered “Res”, the rune which ended each and every spell. The moment the last rune left their lips there was a brilliant flash, and a ball of fire twelve feet in diameter tore through the grass and the dirt. Esillisar felt a gush of hot air push against him, and leaned against it to stay on his feet. Moments later they viewed their handy work in awe, the ground was scorched and the whole place smell of burning vegetation.

Turing to look at each other they burst out laughing, and then they ran. Later that evening, Esillisar wanted to experiment more, but the fireball had drained his essence, and he would have to wait to draw upon it again.

The Spork

Chapter 1

The large oval stadium has nearly empty. Its bleachers arranged in a way that resembled a crescent moon, all but a single row lay deserted. Only during a single day of the year would the stadium fill. This day was the Gil-blossoms, the day in which a young elf would prove his strength and cunning in battle.

SS— Oh boy oh boy. A silly sounding name, and elves. I can’t wait!
K— I dunno, I think it looks okay so far. Except what the crumpet is a gil-blossom? Was that in Final Fantasy somewhere?
SS— Was it? It sounds pretty pulled out of an ass.

The champion of the competition would be granted a single wish, provided the province could provide it.

SS— I stuck my genie in a bottle.

The young elves occupying the front row seats were buzzing in excitement.

SS— I understand this is a figure of speech, but it’s still silly.
K— BEES! D8

Today the two finest fighters to be trained in the school of battled

SS— School of battled, where we train people to fight in the past tense!

were to face off in the most anticipated practice duel ever.

SS— That’s like saying something is the fastest three legged lemur.

Esillisar stepped into field and eyed his surroundings; he could see his friend Valandil in the bleachers.

SS— Way to keep your eyes on the field.
K— Is that a vague self-insert I spy? I hope not. I’ll have to slap you.

The field continuously coughed clouds of dust;

SS— cough coughcough

Esillisar suspected that this condition was one maintained by magical means.

K— Black lung—it helps you fight!

Through the clouds Esillisar’s opponent, Reg’ralad emerged.

SS— Wh’at t’he he’ll do th’ese th’ings do?

They shook hands and return to their respective sides of the field.
For some time they stood, observing each other.

K— “Your hair is looking quite fabulous today.”

And the observers noted the contrast between the two.

SS— And here comes the description dump!

Esillisar had raven hair,

SS— facepalm
K— SAY THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR

sharp roving eyes, pointed chin, and a quick slender physique which were tribute to his Vahus

K— Welcome to the Haus of Vahus. Please remove your shoes and punch yourself in the face.

heritage, but he also had the high cheekbones and refined features typical of the Windrilli elves.

K— Windmill elves?
SS— WindDRILL elves. It’s like a wind mill, except it drills the sky!
K— Because that makes so much more sense.

Reg’ralad had light golden hair and a heavier set body; overall he looked like any other pureblooded Windrilli elf.

SS— Hey guys, can you tell these elves are racist yet?

Each drew their weapons: Esillisar his light rapier and dirk, Reg’ralad his heavy bastard sword.

SS— It is such an anachronism to have these two varieties of weapons face off. Such is fantasy.

The recently cleaned blades shown

K— Homophones are terrible, I know, but they’re a fact of life.

with a great brilliance, the fine true-silver instruments of death already trying to out do each other.

SS— Personification, lulz!

However they were magically dulled for the duration of the duel, and would not feel the taste of blood today.

SS— You know you’ve hit a low when you are copying from Paolini.

The referee rang the bell which sat high above in the in officials stand.

SS— Way to go, sentence.

The crowd blinked,

SS— All of them, at the same time?

and then the competitors were gone, as if into thin air.

K— It would seem so.
SS— As if into thick air is lame.

The crowd roared its approval; they could tell this would be a magic intensive duel. Settled into his spell of invisibility

K— Cheater! Let me just arcane explosion until you show yourself!

Esillisar scanned the ring to look for the subtle hints of his opponent’s location, the puffs of dust created by his feet, or the clouds of dust moving around him. Eyeing

SS— He seems to do a lot of that.

his surroundings carefully Esillisar softly whispered a spell of air, causing a cloud of dust to shift a few feet away from him. Reg’ralad saw the shift in the dust, tensed, then leapt into the air, aiming for the spot he estimated Esillisar would be.

K— GROINSHOT

Reg’ralad’s sword swept through the cloud of dust, parting it into two. Shocked and confused Reg’ralad was pulled on by his sword’s momentum and lost his footing. His spell of invisibility dissolved about him as he tried to figure out what happened, and then Esillisar struck.

K— When Elves Attack, tonight at 10/9c.

He could not possibly have phased, or blinked. The mages have not even learned those yet. Reg’ralad thought, just as his feet were being swept from the ground.

SS— Slightly inconsistent POV.

Landing hard on his chest Reg’ralad felt his breath leaving him. Desperately he groped his sword

SS— Later, the sword filed for a restraining order.

and tried to pick himself up, but it was too late, he felt the two cold blades of Esillisar’s rapiers forming a cross above his neck.

SS— Moments ago he was using a rapier and a dirk.

The bell rang again, declaring Esillisar the winner. The referee boomed in his commanding voice. “Esillisar Arnatuilë half-prince of Silverstream defeats Reg’ralad Merila petty-noble of Silverstream.”

K— Dang, look at all those titles.
SS— An umlaut, and a half-prince. Wee. Although, petty-noble seems pretty funny.
K— I think my cousin had that.

The crowd began applauding though they were just as confused as Reg’ralad, Esillisar grinned and bowed. Esillisar offered his hand to Reg’ralad who was now standing. “I would never shake the hand of a dirty Vahus, you won through the trickery and deceit typical of your people.” Reg’ralad spat.

SS— Now can you guys tell these people are racist? Can you? Eh? Eh?
K— No

“I’m glad to see that you are such a sportsman.” Esillisar chuckled, unable to hide his amusement. “You should wipe that grin from your mouth, you lazy fool! My months of hard wiped away by your deceit

SS— That much of a turn-off?

, you are a—“

SS— poop eating, glue sniffing, alligator loving, son of three mongrels and another cow.

Esillisar turned and walked away before he heard the rest.

K— Turning your back makes their voices suddenly stop working.

Esillisar began the arduous journey up to his lodgings in the royal palace. Silverstream like many elven cities was built on the face of the Sentinel Mountains, which surrounded the Elfhome valley.

SS— Sigh, what a well thought out geography.

Beneath the mountains there were expanses of fields, and to west there was wooded wilderness and through it ran the stream for which the province was named. At the base of the mountain there was a tall wall, which like the houses and shops were carved out of the very rock of the mountain. Near the top of the mountain sat the palace, which consisted of a rectangular palace proper and many spires interconnected by a network of arches. The buildings in Silverstream had slanted roofs which match the slope of the mountain. From a distance Silverstream would be hard to spot at all, so well did it blend into the mountain.

SS— BEGIN INFODUMP. PROCESSING ======||==== 70% COMPLETE
SS— PROCESSING ==========|| 100% COMPLETED
SS— DUMP SUCCESSFUL — EXITING

Esillisar stepped through the gates of the palace, gates which were once closed to his past away father. Esillisar’s mother had fought hard to make sure that he would not be turned away, because of his Vahus heritage before she too left for the gray plains.

K— The fuck is a gray plain? Was the color washed out during a solar flare?
SS— I think they mean the afterlife. :P
K— Oh, like I’m supposed to know that.
SS— Clearly you didn’t read the accompanying guide.
K— I’m going to get a soda. >:|

Esillisar moved through the courtyard, past a few noblemen in the main hall, and swiftly ascended the stairs to his rooms. One of the servants had placed his supper on a silver platter outside his door, and

K— —dropped it like it’s hot.

gratefully Esillisar took it inside his room. The meal was some sort of fish, which Esillisar could not distinguish.

SS— Sounds like the author couldn’t decide what kind of fish it was.
K— Salmtroutbasson.
SS— Oh, eww.

It was spicy, as almost every dish was this cycle

SS— Nonstandard terminology, aren’t we cool?

because the outlaying valleys had had a particularly plentiful pepper harvest,

K— What the hell is Ramona doing in this story? Get out of there, guys, this is not California.

but it was also sweet a change Esillisar was happy for.

SS— Sweet and spicy, om nom nom.

The dish’s aroma filled the spartan room;

K— I was gonna make a 300 joke but those got old about five minutes after the movie came out.
SS— Heh.

Esillisar’s possessions amounted to his armor, his weapons, a small wardrobe, a small writing desk, and his bed.

K— Well, that’s more than what I own.
SS— You are hardly a half-princess of an elf kingdom, either.
K— You don’t know that.
SS— Oh, are you Zelda?
K— Mayyyyyybe.
SS— URAGH /inside joke
K— [tiger noises]

These were arrayed about in his room in no particular fashion. As Esillisar lied in bed his thoughts wandered Hopefully Gil-blossoms will be as simple as today.

K— WTB comma, PST.

That way I will not be bothered with my blood quest.

SS— Blood!
K— He’s a vampire.

Chapter 2

K— In which there is VIOLENCE and DRAMA and VIOLENCE. Actually, I don’t know, let’s read on.

Esillisar awoke as the sun rushed into to the small room

SS— The whole sun?

, flooding it in light. Finally a free day! Esillisar flew through the halls of the palace, he was known for his fleet-footedness.

SS— Wrong connective, but okay.

Grabbing whatever was left of the day’s breakfast from the kitchens,

K— Pictured above: college kid.

Esillisar left the palace. Esillisar was glad he didn’t have to sit through meals with the rest of the royal family, with its ceremonial excess, being a half-prince had its advantages.

K— I’m sure there’s a crack in there somewhere about being the world’s pranciest owner of the world’s fanciest pants, but suddenly a photograph of shirtless Vladimir Putin appeared on my monitor and spores pine nut telephone trufflecrabs.

Esillisar threw open the gates of the palace, and looked at the city below him. Murmuring a quick spell he formed a sheet of ice under each of his boots. Crouching Esillisar slid down the narrow streets, accelerating wildly, feeling the wind fly through his hair, the stop stalls becoming blurs.

K— Doesn’t seem very practical, but okay.
SS— That was the obligatory skate boarding scene that even LotR had.

Esillisar saw his friends outside the arena and he skid to a halt just before hitting them. “That was a very impressive performance” remarked Haldamir.

K— I’ll say. Wink wink.

“How did you manage to get Reg’ralad to attack the air?” asked Valandil. “I don’t think you could have jumped without him seeing it, and you certainly didn’t phase.” “Actually I did phase.” Esillisar replied with a straight face.

K— Still looks a little crooked to me…
SS— Maybe if we adjusted it a little.

“You did what!?” gasped Valandil. “I know a third year in the school of arcane arts, and they certainly have not learned to phase.” Esillisar burst out laughing “You should know me better than that. I just created a gust of wind, and he attacked the location of my wind spell.” This had everyone laughing. “I’m trusting that you will keep this technique among yourselves?”

K— Someone hasn’t come up with that already? Huh.
SS— Shh, the protagonist is special!

Esillisar had no reason to ask, but he did anyways. He had been sharing his tricks, techniques, and strategies, and they never got around.

K— Unlike your mom.
SS— And the syphilis.

“And we had all thought you phased or something.” Haldamir laughed gasping for breath. “Reg’ralad is such a fool; the Gil-blossom should be easy.” Esillisar smirked, my thoughts exactly.

SS— Cocky…

Esillisar followed his friends into the stadium for training, but he knew that he wouldn’t be doing any practice. Esillisar threw a dagger, and it flew crashing into one that Haldamir had just thrown. “Would you please cut that out?”

K— Well, that was random.
SS— I’m messing w/ u! ololol
K— Stop that.

Haldamir yelled over the noise of swords clashes and bows twanging. Esillisar changed targets, a dagger flew over the head of Valandil as he was about to let loose an arrow. The arrow flew into a wall, completely missing the target, as Valandil lost concentration. Feeling the top of his head where a little hair had been sliced off, he turned around to see who was responsible. Valandil heard Esillisar yell over his shoulders as he left “You will have to have better concentration than that at the Gil-blossoms.”

SS— You know, this kind of stuff is dangerous and irresponsible..
K— Your protagonist is a douchewaffle :(
SS— That sounds like the opposite of tasty.

Leaving the stadium Esillisar headed towards the woods. Not wanting to waste precious moment of his time Esillisar walked briskly along the bank of the stream, pausing only to sip the cool water.

SS— Because we all know his time is really valuable.

Today the sun’s reflection on the stream did in fact make the stream look as if it were made of molten silver, so bright and smooth was its surface.

K— Strong Paolini. Oh well, I can forgive you, since this story is like three years old.
SS— Yes, the story still has some growing to do. Yesterday it became potty-trained though.

Eventually the stream led to the edge of the forest, the evergreens and oaks standing tall. Stepping into the forest he felt a change within him. Suddenly he heard the chirps of the insects, and the songs of the birds with unmatched clarity.

K— Hot damn, Paolini showed up again! I think you and him have connected souls.
SS— Whoever wrote this story is a doucher.
K— Awwwwwwww I instantly have sympathy. Let us cuddle.
SS— (so easy)

Esillisar became aware of the life around him, hearing the doe which was watching him through some underbrush. Then he turned and heard the low growl of a young gray wolf. At the same moment the doe and the wolf leapt into motion. Guessing the wolf’s intent Esillisa ran after it, the wolf chasing the doe, and Esillisar chasing the wolf.

SS— Silly two-legged creature, how are you going to catch up?

Esillisar ducked under branches, ignored leafs, and leapt over roots as he willed himself to speed up.

K— There’s a song for this occasion, but The Untouchables is on…

Slowly he could see the gap between the wolf and him closing.

SS— Well I never…

Leaping Esillisar tackled the small wolf to the ground, fortunately the wolf’s claws had barely grown in, and Esillisar was able to use his weight to gain the upper hand.

K— I thought you said he was slender.

Now that he had a small wolf with him Esillisar suddenly realized he had nothing to do with it.

SS— Kill it, skin it, boil it, mash it, stick it in a stew, eat it. Seems easy enough to me.

Then Esillisar seemed to hear something Please elf, I am hungry will you not let me free? Startled Esillisar jumped off of the wolf and stared at it. The wolf growled Now it is too late, my meal has gotten away. What were you thinking? Hesitantly Esillisar opened his knapsack and pulled from it a piece of dried pork, tossing it lightly to the fox.

K— But it’s a wolf…
SS— Another frigging Gary Stu who can talk to animals. Classy.

I thank you, in truth I could not have caught that deer, it had too much of a start on me. Esillisar could almost see a grin on the wolf’s canine face. Are you mute? I know you can hear me just fine.

SS— wtfwaffle.

Esillisar began to speak, but the wolf cut him off I’m joking, I can not understand common. But you should follow me. I know that you will b able to keep up. And with that the wolf ran. Esillisar followed close behind, having no idea where he was going.

SS— WTFWAFFLE.

Esillisar eased into a rhythm, as he followed the wolf he noted landmarks, at one spot the stream (at least Esillisar assumed it was the stream, since they had wandered away from it a few times) traveled down several short waterfalls, and at another spot there was a single majestic oak, so tall that it blocked all light around.

K— In fact, it was so tall, it stretched across the universe and ended at knocking Earth in the back of the head.

He became so absorbed in his surroundings that at first he did not notice that the wolf had disappeared. I’m down here Esillisar noticed a hole in the dirt next to large oak, and wriggled through.

K— Pictured above: a good idea at the time.

He landed rather roughly on a pile of leaves. He seemed to be in a hollow beneath the oak, the roots lined the walls. He then noticed the wolves; nearly a dozen of them sat or lay together, several of them sleeping.

SS— In this story: innaccurate portrayals of wildlife ecology.
K— Wolves don’t live underground, but hey, who’s paying attention?

An old wolf with dark gray fur that was nearly black spoke Greetings elf, what brings you to our homestead? Esillisar growled, doing his best to try a imitate the wolves manner of speech I followed one of your young here, he told me to come with him.

SS— Yeah, like that’ll ever work.

The elder wolf replied You speak well for one outside of our kind, elf.

SS— Great.

My name is Cerndik,

K— [snicker]
SS— Oh, you.

what might yours be? Esillisar was unsure how to say his name in ‘wolven’ as he called it, so he decided just to say it in elven. In my tongue I am known as Esillisar Arnatuilë.

K— Need more umlauts.

Cerndik seemed chuckle slightly at this. There was one of the Arnatuilë clan here before. Esillisar was slightly taken aback; I guess it figures that my father would commune with the wolves of this region.

SS— Because…?

Cerndik nodded. Yes, he came to us seeking the men who raided the city, in the end the eagles provided the information he sought, but we pointed he in the right direction. Thoughts of his blood feud flooded Esillisar’s mind.

SS— And that’s the cue for an info dump.

Esillisar’s father Elrendur, had ousted the local branch of a large crime guild, in order to prove himself worthy to marry princess Silia, Esillisar’s mother.

SS— That’s obviously how a society with a rigid caste system works.
K— Silica? Cilia?

However Elrendur died shortly after Esillisar’s third birthday under mysterious circumstances. By elven custom Esillisar was bound to avenge his father’s death, unless he won the Gil-blossoms, which case could request that he be relieved of the obligation. Then Esillisar pushed the thoughts from his head. If I don’t win the Gil-blossoms, I’ll worry about it then.

Esillisar bid his hosts plentiful hunts, then excused himself.

SS— That was pointless.

The sun was setting in the horizon as Esillisar navigated his way back to Silverstream, thankful that he had spent the time to observe landmarks on the way other.

K— Qué?

By the time he got back to the palace the stars had formed over head, and Esillisar paused to gaze at the constellations, specifically finding the constellation of the wolf.

SS— Great. It is totally necessary that we know this.
K— And to your left, the Giant Damn Dipper.

As he walked through the courtyards towards his room Esillisar heard two nobles mention his name, but could not make out anymore of the conversation.

SS— They are so going to try and kill him. Let’s not even pretend they aren’t.

Esillisar let the matter drop, and continued to his room. Esillisar noticed that the days activities had taken a toll on his clothing. His leather armor, which was colored many shades of green, and identified him as a royal subject had dirt strewn all across it surface.

SS— He’s been wearing armor this entire time? Great one.

During some part of the day Esillisar had managed to rip his trousers as feel. I’ll deal with it tomorrow Esillisar grimaced. As he quickly ate then fell asleep

SS— What? That sentence, I no comprehendo.
K— Hey, it ended with the protagonist falling asleep. Just like Eragon!
SS— Eragon ended with the reader falling asleep, too.

Chapter 3

When Esillisar awoke the next mourning he took special cares to clean himself, and make himself presentable, then made his way to councilman Elensar’s lodgings.

SS— This is serious business, apparently.
K— What does presentability entail for an elf, I wonder? Maybe they, uhh…trim their ears. I dunno.

It was a fairly typical house, like all nobility the Elensars had a two story house, but they did not worry about appearance the way some noble families did.

SS— ‘Cuz these are the good nobles that aren’t pricks!

Alatariel greeted Esillisar at the door and they headed for her room. Alatariel was a slender elf whose shoulder length blond hair seemed always in motion, her hazel eyes always darting about, and thin lips always twisting into a smile. She studied at the school of arcane art, which made her an invaluable resource to Esillisar.

K— HEY HEY HEY, it’s sexual tension, two leagues ahead!
SS— Not sure how I feel about that little bland description dump.
K— ‘Twisting into a smile’ sounds a little, uhh…Satan. It sounds a little Satan.
SS— Kinky.

Alatariel closed the door to her room behind them, offered Esillisar a seat, and sat down, all in one smooth motion.

SS— One hell of a complicated motion.

“I heard what you did to Reg’ralad the past day.” Alatariel laughed; hers was a light pleasant laugh.

K— Mine is an evil laugh.

Esillisar chuckled then replied “He didn’t seem very amused afterwards, but I walked away he could threaten my life.”

SS— Oh god, cue the dialogue.

“Was it that bad?” Alatariel’s tone changed to one of concern.

SS— The sentence she spoke was more than enough to convey the concern, thanks.

“It may have been, it was one of the quickest duels ever fought.”

K— Not counting the dandelion duel of 1254, of course.
SS— Everyone knows that was the result of cheating and witchcraft, though.
K— Well if you wanna nitpick…

“You have got to be careful; you don’t want any politicking interfering with Ur-blossoms.”

SS— Wait, I thought these things were “Gil-Blossoms”. The name is so ridiculous you can’t stick to one? Also, politicking sounds funny.

Esillisar didn’t want to think about that, but he hoped that the Merildas didn’t have enough influence in the courts to influence the games. They were after all only a petty house. Quickly Esillisar changed the topic “What new spells have you learned this past week?”

K— I’m training to be a priest because they can learn to mind control. I bet I can mind control you.

Grinning mischievously Alatariel replied “They taught us a few new runes, and I think I’ve got a really neat spell prepared. But we are going to have to find a field…”

SS— Rune is one of those warning phrases that tells me this magic system is terrible.

They completed the sentence together “so we don’t accidentally cause loss of property and or life.”

K— AwwwwwwwwHEURGH— [hack hack] Sorry ‘bout that…
SS— AwwwwwwwwHEURGH— [hack hack] Sorry ‘bout that…
K— DON’T MAKE FUN OF ME YOU BASTARD.

They agreed on a location, then left separately and took different routes to ensure that the Elensar’s standing in the court wasn’t soiled by association with any ‘dirty half-breeds.’

SS— Well, whatever. Way to be specific about the location.

They meet that the field at nearly the same time,

SS— They could hardly meet unless it was at the same time.

and Alatariel immediately began preparing for the spell. Meanwhile Esillisar practiced silent casting. The arcane energies of mana

K— WHAT
SS— This Magic System Stolen From: Harry Potter

were manifested through the will power of the caster. They were not bound in anyway to the runes, but runes and hand motion help the caster better communicate the desired effect. The arcane does nothing more and nothing less than what the caster commands, thus it is of vital importance that the correct effect is willed into existence.

K— What does it do when no one is commanding it? Does it sit at home with coffee and the newspaper?

Theoretically one could cast spells by merely concentrating on the thought of the desired spell, but realistically the runes and hand motions were invaluable as a method of casting spells.

SS— YAWN-fo dump.

Esillisar was twice able to will a wind spell into existence by thought alone, but it was difficult. Finally Alatariel announced that she was ready to begin the spell. She told Esillisar the sequence of runes, which he quickly memorized. Bil-Kuh-Vi-Yi-Jab

K— Bless you.
SS— This Magic System Stolen From: Inheritance

the sequence read. Bil was the rune for spherical, Kuh was blast, and Vi was heat. So far so good but then Esillisar stumbled, because Yi was size, and Jab was twelve.

SS— It’s pretty clear to me these were all the words the author came up with.
K— A size twelve fireball! [popcorn]
SS— This isn’t cliche, because fireball in D&D are only 6’!

“You want this thing to be twelve feet wide?” Esillisar asked, in disbelief. “Sure, we want to make a BANG don’t we?” Alatariel grinned in reply.
“No wonder you needed me with, something of that magnitude is definitely going to need to people.”

K— Little did he know, the fireball was people.
SS— Soylent Green is people.
K— Yes, that was what the joke was based off of.
SS— I just had to ruin the effect.
K— Thanks. ಠ_ಠ

Alatariel began the spell with a quick small spell that allowed the two of them to combine their energies into the spell. Then both began chanting, their hands moving in unison. “BIL-KUH-VI-YI-JAB”

K— I think these guys need a box of kleenex and a lie-down.

Then both whispered “Res”, the rune which ended each and every spell. The moment the last rune left their lips there was a brilliant flash, and a ball of fire twelve feet in diameter tore through the grass and the dirt.

SS— It’s amazing to me that “feet” is a magical constant you can use when casting spells.

Esillisar felt a gush of hot air

K— Hey, that’s what comes out of politicians!
SS— I’m not making a fart joke. Self-restraint, yes!
K— Good, Sly, you’ve been good today! [pinches cheek]
SS— May I have a candy?
K— Maybe after the spork.

push against him, and leaned against it to stay on his feet. Moments later they viewed their handy work in awe, the ground was scorched and the whole place smell of burning vegetation.

SS— Yeah, that’s what happens you burn stuff.

Turing to look at each other they burst out laughing, and then they ran.

SS— Blowing things up is sooooo cool!

Later that evening, Esillisar wanted to experiment more, but the fireball had drained his essence, and he would have to wait to draw upon it again.

SS— You should really improve your INT stat. It helps MP regeneration tons.

Analysis

SlyShy’s Take:

Well, this story suffers a number of afflictions.

The Harry Potter vibes are ridiculous. Racism in the form of purebloods, the magic system, the chummy friends? Ugh, that kind of borrowing has to be limited. I noted that the magically blunted blades were borrowed from Eragon as well. Not cool.

Thus far, the world building seems a bit weak. The confusion of terms is a glaring flaw. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of research into how a feudal royal court would actually operate, or how the internal politics actually operates. Elves are vaguely described, and are generic, as far as I can tell. The magic system is magic system spaghetti. There is a little bit of everything in there. It’s not unique, it’s not memorable.

Esillisar bears all the hallmarks of a Gary Stu. He’s good at everything, can piss people off and do stupid things without consequences, and anyone who dislikes him is automatically evil. Beside that, he can talk to animals, cast spells, etc. He’s going to be pretty hard to make into a convincing protagonist, and he doesn’t seem that likable at the moment. Of course, likability isn’t the prime requisite of a protagonist—you can certainly get away without it, but here it just compounds a lot of faults.

The first action scene was all right. The second one was definitely convoluted though, and could have done with plenty of work. The scene with the wolves was, let’s say, unnecessary.

There didn’t seem to be a lot of memorable description, and I don’t have a very good picture of the world these characters inhabit, other than that it is somewhat generic.

Some positives should be noted though. The story started off pretty quickly with an interesting scene, it wasn’t bogged down with too much exposition to start. It also introduced conflict right off the bat, which is a strong positive. It’s important to do that, as a lead into the rest of the story.

Kitty’s Take:

I got bored fast, the world wasn’t very immersive, and I don’t like Gary Stus. Other than that, it was fine.

Tagged as Constructive Sporkism, Critique, Kitty, Slyshy, Spork.

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